Wednesday, February 16, 2011

a mirror

my eyes got big as i read her note.
and my whole being was one big 'huh??'

she reads my blogs.
and has written before that she's not on board
with my theory of 'choices.'
i believe life is choices and it is with our choices
that we create our lives.

she's written me before disagreeing with this theory.

at first, i figured it was because she thought i meant
that even illness was a choice.

and i don't mean that at all.
not at all.

i mean HOW YOU DEAL with what you get handed is a choice.
not that you chose to have the illness, or the abuse,
or the rotten whatever.
i'm not saying that at all.

i'm saying how you handle those things......that's where
the choices are.

granted, some are such huge hurdles, the choices may have
to be just tiny ones that seem like mountains.
things like 'i will get up today.'
that's a choice.
and i get that there are different scales depending on
what's goin' on in your life. AND that not every day is
beautiful and your best.

so i thought i had kinda explained that, and she'd be on
board with me.

and when i got her note last nite, i was stunned and at
the same time kinda tickled.

it occurred to me that she didn't know.
she just didn't know.
she's a poster child for choices!!!
she's a shining example of what i'm talking about!!!

she's dying.
not only that, she's dying from a disease she got from helping
that seems like that would double suck.
that just so would double suck.

top that off with her parents.
she's got parents that i wouldn't wish on anyone, an upbringing
that told her she was stupid and worthless.
i guess i shoulda thrown that in first.
cause she left that environment, dedicated herself to something
she loved, became great at it, and offered her talents to the
community in so many meaningful ways. she married a guy that i have met
and truly love. has been happily married for years and years and
years and is now facing dying. every day is a struggle.

and yet...she manages to call me when she thinks i'm having a hard time.
she writes me and checks in, she gifted me with soft fluffy towels
when she read i wished i had some. she treats my problems with the
weight of someone who cares. when she could easily say 'what the
heck is your deal, ter??? at least you're healthy.'
she doesn't do that. she listens and understands and offers me love.

i've watched her be there for mutual friends, being generous with
her time and her resources. she works on writing to
offer to the world, tries her best to help her family deal with her
illness, gives all she can to her children. makes healthy boundaries
with her parents, and really really gives that the most thought and
love she possibly can.

i have seen her live love.
over and over and over.

when she really coulda just chosen not to.
i have watched her choose love on a regular basis.

does she not know????

i'm not exactly sure, but i think she was hung up on having a bad
day and not being able to get up that day, or maybe having a day
where she felt sorry for herself. or something like that. and
maybe she thought those were choices i meant, that they weren't
'good' choices.... and that that wasn't fair of me.that somehow
this theory sets up judgments.

and if it was what i meant, then that would suck.
but that's so not what i mean.

you can't get outta bed on a day you feel miserable.
you lay in bed crying and feeling sorry for yourself and wish
someone would reach out more to you. you feel lonely and angry
and want everything to be different.

of course you do!
for all kindsa things in life.
of course you do!
and those days, and those moments are part of the journey.
those are gonna happen, and they need to be there.

it's the getting up the next day, it's the putting the anger down
after awhile, it's the reaching out to a friend even tho she let you
down...THAT'S the choices.

my friend who doesn't get my theory, lives my theory.
my friend is one of the most beautiful people i know.
and she's been dealt one stinky hand. i really think she has.
and thru that stinky hand that she's trying to cope with...
i see her beauty.

she's grown in more ways than i can even know.
and she's chosen that.

i admire her for that.
and i cherish her for that.

and i bow down to her spirit.

how amazing to me that she didn't see it.
and how tickled i am to try to show it to her.

holding up a mirror for her....and hoping she's looking in it right now.....

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