pass me the coconut please...

she called to tell me where she was.
'ahhh, it's head games' i thought.

that's what i call the place she was in.
and i know it well.

you get conflicting messages, you can't tell what's
real anymore, you feel confused and your gears jam up.

know that place???

that's the land of head games.

i nodded vigorously altho she couldn't see that.
she was on the other end of the phone.
i told her i got it and understood, and i wasn't kidding.

and who knew? i was going to join her.

this morning i find myself on what feels like an island
in the land of head games.

i don't particularly want to be on this island.

i made the mistake of letting a thought run thru.
that thought became the passenger boat that took me to the island.

the passenger boat was being cleaned and fueled and pullin'
into the dock waiting for me. it was the thought that was my
boarding pass.

it was one of these - 'is it possible that what i'm
doing is this..........???'

and the possibility was about living in denial.

okay. just the thought of going back to living in denial
shoots me thru the ceiling. and yeah, today, it landed
me on the boat that's taken me to this island.

i'm really afraid i'll slip back in there.
to that way of life.
denial.

mix that in with the gear jamming confusion
that happens sometimes....

and here i sit.
looking at the coconuts and seaweed.

thinking 'nah, i'm not really here. if i just ignore it,
it'll go away.'

and i thought of her.
and how she told me what she felt yesterday.
and i thought of head games.
and jammed gears.
and reality spinning.

there's something different right now tho.
i can't tell if it's a really healthy thing.
or a really scary thing.

i figure there's nothing i gotta do.
that if i just sit back and trust the process,
it all plays out anyway.

healthy or scary? i just don't know.

what did i tell my friend yesterday???
my mind scrambles for my own advice.

'just be gentle with yourself, treat yourself good,
and don't even worry about it today.'

i think it was something like that.

hmmmm....
there seems to be one palm tree here for shade.
think i'll go sit in the shade...
and see what washes up my way.

coconut milk anyone?