self acceptance

it's kinda weird how we live with ourselves our whole lives
and sometimes it takes so darn long to see stuff about ourselves.

recently, in a conversation, i said something that made the other
person uncomfortable. i knew it and felt bad about it. when i hung
up i kicked myself for doing it.

one thing i know about me is that i like to keep things smooth.
that right there is a whole can of worms and about twenty thousand
blogs.

but it's the other part i'm looking at today.

as i felt my discomfort at what i had done, i sat and looked at
what had happened.

i responded to a statement that i totally disagreed with.
i didn't need the other person to change anything they had done.
i just couldn't smile and nod. that's it.
i said 'i see it really differently' and then dropped that.
and as i thought about it, i realized that's what i do.

i have tons of conversations where there's stuff that the other
person says that doesn't feel right to me. i'll make some kinda
acknowledgement of my feelings and keep on going. if the person
wants to know more, i'll share. if not, we just keep goin'.

i believe it's my way of keeping things honest.
i'm not in my relationships to be a yes man.
and i'm not in my relationships to make everyone think just like me.
i'm in them to grow and to share love.

so as i sat and thought about it....
looking at how i said it and what was behind what i said.
i realized i wouldn't change what i was doing.
that what i did was right for me, it was gentle and loving and fair.
that the discomfort in the other person was their deal.
and that my discomfort in it all was my deal.
but it wasn't about what i had done.
it was about the fear of making someone uncomfortable with me.

ahhhhhh..........now THAT'S something i could look at.
and work with and become more with.

the other? it was who i am.

i actually told myself 'that's who i am. and that's a good
thing.'

i'm not sure i ever told myself that before quite like this.
with the real acceptance of it all.

and as far as i can tell, it's that acceptance of myself that's
gonna work on the healing of the root stuff....
of knowing people won't leave me when i'm really being who i am.