a thought

okay.
it should be no surprise that if you're yanking the veins
outta your system and cleaning under your lungs and around
your heart (see posts a few down from here!) that you'd
have some funky dreams.

of course.
and i'm havin' 'em!

one upset me a lot. and then when i really thought about it,
it got me pretty excited. and sparked a thought.

here's the thought....and i get stuck on the 'love' word.
thought maybe i'd use a color for it.
cause see, if i say 'i can get better at love'
people respond with 'you either love or you don't.' or stuff
like that. or 'you are good already.'

and i don't know how to articulate what i mean.

so what if love is a color.
and let's be original and say it's red.
a nice deep, gorgeous red.

well, see, i think a whole lot of us, when we think we're
loving, really are only hitting a really light pink.

it's kinda like perimenopause.
you know...those years that can go on and on before you're
actually in menopause, but you get some of the symptoms.
only slighter and not quite what it really is?

that's kinda what i think most of us do with love.
we're in the perimenopause state of love.
and it's light pink.
we don't even know what the dark red is like.
we just don't.
and we go along and think light pink is it.

i think i was into light pink all the way til the divorce.
then, well, it pretty much went black.
and then i had to find it again.

and i found my way back to the light pink all right.
but i knew better this time.
i knew that wasn't where you stop.

and i think i've worked hard, looked deep, searched,
grown, and found a pretty nice darker shade of pink.

sometimes tho.
sometimes....my toes have hit the red.
and i've nodded and known.....
it's the red.
it's love.

so, the search and work continues.

now with this rewiring of my veins i'm doin',
i'm seein' something....

a very obvious, no brainer, all-capital DUH...

the color you have in one area of your life is the
color you have in all areas of your life.

you can't work on being red in the mom department,
and be okay with being light pink in another one.
you can't touch red in the partner department without
seeing the lack of red in another one.

you just can't.

and well, i think i coulda TOLD you that okay with no
problems a week ago.

but i don't think i woulda seen it quite like i do today.

and i think this has something to do with my seeing it.

the side goal changes for me.
i want to be love.
that's the main goal. the central goal.
but the perks that come with that...well, one i really have kinda
held on to is this -
if i can be love, it won't hurt anymore.

yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
that's smart.
i know.
what can i say?

but that's been in there.
it has.
might as well put it on the table.

but lately...since the operation began (the vein rewiring)
it's more like this -
if i can get good over here, and touch red, even step into red...
if i can do that over here, i can swim in it over there...
and if i start finding the red everywhere, i'll get better and
better at it and deeper and deeper into it. i'll find my way
into living in it.

that's it.
the goal of losing the hurt isn't in that.
it's about learning what i came here to learn.
for real.
no perks counted in to that.
cause well.....i'm not counting on those perks anymore.

and i don't know...seeing how it connects to my whole world -
including the part of my world i wondered if i could ever really
touch the red with - well, i'm thinking i can.

at least maybe for moments.

and that red color?
i don't think it's any kinda solid color.
it's flowing and fluctuating and rippling and there's folds of
different shades...

and i think i have to keep that in mind.

i don't have the answers.
when i step into this shade, doesn't mean it won't flow and
change into another shade.

i want this.
and i don't want it cause it'll stop the hurt.
i want it cause i believe it's where i'm sposed to be.

and crossing the border from pink to red...man, it's one
heck of a border crossing.