what a process.....

i am bouncing back and forth between all these great books.
i'm back in the fear/love book. and i hit a part today
that made my eyes get big.

it's about anger.

i don't like it when people are mad at me.
well, i mean, who does?
but i know i have this anger thing.
an anger issue.
and i thought i had it all figured out.
if you're raised a certain way and the love can be taken
away, and if the person gets mad at you and then don't
love you anymore....blah...blah...blah...
we all know the deal.

and i guess this guy is sayin' the same thing.
but the deal here is....
this whole 'revamping my insides' place that i'm at right now...
this whole whatever i'm doing has knocked me silly.

let me wander for a minute.
try to explain.
when i started my search ten years ago, i was convinced i had
to see myself. i have written numerous bone sighs about that. i needed
to see myself to regain my power. that was my belief.

well, i never really got to where i felt like i did that.
like i had originally wanted.
and i got to a point where i gave up. thinking, okay, maybe it
isn't THAT important. maybe it's even a good thing. maybe i should
be concentrating on other things.

and i kinda left that laying there.
even tho i really knew better.

suddenly, years and years later i find myself in this revamping
my insides mode. and bam! and i mean BAM! without even thinking
about it, i come face to face with some of my stuff i could never
see before.

bam.

and i know darn well this is what i meant years ago.
this is the kinda seeing i meant.

and i tell you.......
i really really really want to run.

now.
it's not that i'm some kinda ugly soul that i can't face.
and i keep tellin' myself that.
it's that i'm seeing some stuff in ways i never saw them before.
stuff about me.
stuff about what drives me.

it makes me want to cry, run, give up, throw up my hands and say it's
all hopeless.

and that really bugs me cause i've done a lotta work and thought i
had really gotten further than i have. and that really discourages me.

and then, i tell myself, it's a layer. it's yet one more layer in this
whole big doggone onion of yourself.

and 'onion' works great. cause i'm really filled with a feeling of
'this stinks.'

does this mean as we get stronger, there's harder work to do?
sure seems like it today. and this stinks.

and yet.....i do know.......that i'm seeing things like i never saw
them before. and that means i can get deeper inside me and heal in
ways i haven't before.

which leads me back to the anger topic.
(taken from 'when love meets fear' by david richo)

he's talking about someone being angry with us and how most of us
don't see the real feelings that are going on. instead we
'see the layers of drama that surround a feeling, i.e., the layers
of ego, fear, attachment, control, judgment, entitlement. these are
all forms of violation that are meant to engender fear. someone is
angry at you.'....'the angry person is playing out a theatrical version
of anger which is really a combination of judgment, expectation,
blame, threat, guilt tripping, etc. IN DRAMA, A SCARED EGO IS SEEING A SCARED CHILD.'

'why would we be scared by the ego layers of drama? because they say loudly
and clearly: you have to change, you are bad, you are wrong, you cannot
fix this for me, you are worthless.'

'it can devastate your personal power and your self esteem. each one
of the dramatic layers is a verdict that triggers some old message:
i am still at the mercy of another; i still can let other people get to
me this way, i am feeling attacked and am out-of-control, utterly defenseless.'


this doesn't seem like it should be big news.
and i guess i knew this stuff already.
but when i read his words, i just kinda sat there.
because right now i'm dealing with as honestly as i can,
my feelings of my own worth.
my own value.

and well.....let's just say on some level, they aren't as strong
as i had hoped. and i see why i really don't like anger.

my gosh.
i'm supposing that all this is going to lead me to strength and
belief.

but i tell ya....it's challenging me to say the least.

and yeah, maybe i couldn't have looked in this spot ten years ago.
maybe i just couldn't have.

i'm gonna trust the process.....
and i'm gonna keep on seeing.....

jeesh. i had no idea what i was getting myself into ten years ago...
and i laugh as i type that.
good thing.
that's a good thing.
some things you just need to kinda bump into.