birthdays

tomorrow would have been his 76th birthday.
i thought about that yesterday.
a lot.

thought about how i used to try to get just the
right thing and we were so different, i had to try
to think like him. and how excited i'd be to give
him something. how proud i'd be if it hit right and
he liked it.

and then how it got all difficult between us and
how even just the card got hard to get right.
and then to face the phone call. and then....to
wonder if i should even call. the angst over trying
to decide what to do.

and now, he's gone. there's no more worrying about
how to handle it all. no more thinking about the right
gift.

i thought about that and how life keeps goin' and how
death makes all that stuff that hurt so bad just seem
different.

today's her 83rd birthday. i'll be headin' out in just a bit
to get the cake and goodies for the guys and i to bring down.
we'll visit with her and let her know we care.

and i know full well that this may be the last one we're all
together celebrating with her. you never know, we might have
a few more...but i doubt it. whether it's no more, or one more,
or five more, i know they're limited.

and i'll be looking at this day one day remembering her and
how we brought cake down every year. that is, if i'm lucky
and keep on goin' like i hope to.

in and out. we all come and go. and i just can't seem to
get used to that.

sometimes i get filled with just wanting everyone i love to
know how much they matter to me. and sometimes i get so frustrated
as i don't know how to show it.

when i'm sitting down there today watching her kid around with
my sons, i'm gonna hold that extra close inside of me.
cause i remember today just how precious it all is.