Thursday, March 17, 2011

growing up 101

the most obvious example is one i pull out a lot.
a few years back when a little girl got court ordered
to go live back in an abusive home in the ghetto
instead of living with her loving gramma, my life

i got slammed in the face with the fact that good
doesn't always win.

since i was so sure that good HAD to win in that situation,
it hit hard.

and yes, i feel a little bit silly every time i type
that out because i know that's a terribly naive belief.
but i held it tight and that moment blasted it outta me.
and changed me.

it truly did.

i use that example a lot because it's clear and pretty easy
to follow.

yesterday i got to thinking about the other strong beliefs
that have gotten blasted out of me. the beliefs are clear,
the events leading up to them are not. and much more complicated
to explain.

and i think....they kinda happened more in bits. or maybe
the blasts were just way way longer....

there was the family belief.

i understand now that my family is made up of people with their
own limitations. that just because my parents had kids, that did
not change those limitations for them. and that did not give them
the strength to get beyond those limitations. that doesn't make them bad,
that makes them human. and that does not reflect on my own value.

the belief that changed was that their love for me would be strong
enough for them to be there for me. and that somehow would prove my
value and my worth.

that's changed now.

that's a big one.
and well......i mostly have it.
eight out of ten interactions i have, i've got that down.
two of those ten interactions i end up with a lotta self doubt still.
but it's gotten way better. and i really have it way more than i don't.

there's my spiritual beliefs.
gonna keep those to myself here. but again.......totally changed.

and then there's love.
ten years ago i lost my belief in it.
i found it again, but think i picked up a lot of the same stuff
that didn't work when i was starting to believe again.
i think i mixed in the stuff i shoulda let go with new good stuff.
didn't realize it, and just kept goin'.

(actually now that i think about it, i did the exact same thing
with my spiritual beliefs!)

i don't know how i got handed bob.
people ask how we met, and i grin.
he walked into my living room.
he truly did.
that's how i met him.

and i honestly believe there's no other man who could teach
me the way he does.

the other nite he finally got thru to me.
he's been tryin' for awhile.
he finally got thru and i saw something he's been wanting
me to see.

thing's one of those total changes for me.
it changes things a lot.
it's more beliefs changing.

it felt so big and so deep that i took the day and just started
painting the kitchen. i just needed quiet and time to think.
i'll be doin' that again today.

i got to thinking about the 'be careful what you ask for' thing.
how i asked for passion about my life and my life exploded and
completely changed.
how i've been searching for answers about love and i'm getting them.

and i smiled.

each thing that's changed for me, i had to grieve.
it's kinda odd.
cause i know it's a really really good, positive thing that those
beliefs changed for me. i know that means i'm growing up and seeing
for real. and that's what i want.

but there's grief in letting those things go.

i guess because they became part of me. i guess because they
are pieces of my life and i have a hard time letting go.

because i forget life is fluid. and i want it to be a solid
steady thing.

so there was a sadness yesterday.
but it was a really cool sadness.
cause i knew i wanted to go where i was going.
i knew that i have started to see life in a way that i need to.
in a way that i want to.
in a way that allows truly living.

and so i just let the sadness kinda flow thru.
knew it had to.
and i kept turning my eyes to the adult i'm becoming.

that's what it feels like.
like i'm really growing up.
in a good way.

i feel so humbled by the process.
and i feel so grateful for the lessons.

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