i believe.....

everybody's got their icky stories if they've
been down the divorce road. it's part of the deal.
and i try not to tell mine much. they suck.
and who needs them?

but when they lead to a moment like this morning....
i want to share part of one...

i was the one who wanted out of my marriage and it
hurt my husband an awful lot. anger and hurt turned
him towards 'punishing' me. he got focused on taking
the people in my life out. family, friends, neighbors,
he wanted them to leave me. and so he worked on that.
he told me he was doing it. and i watched. he did one
heck of a job. no one knew but him and i. i chose not
to run behind him and try to fix things. i thought that
people would believe in me and know better.

didn't work that way.

that was probably one of my first lessons in 'real life.'

it's an odd thing to grapple with. there's a million
threads to it.

if i didn't have the kids, i would have moved. it was
humiliating and painful and just holding my head up when
i bumped into someone took all the strength i had.
seriously.
i would use every bit of my strength reminding myself
to be who i wanted to be. be grace. be love.
i would hold my head up thru the meeting, then as soon
as i was outta site (and sometimes it was just a matter
of two steps with them behind me) the tears would flow.

punishing is an interesting thing tho.
i don't think it does what people intend it to do.
the hurt happened. that's for sure.
but so did other things.
i had to keep growing and dig deep and find strength
i didn't know i had. grace and love became things to really
focus on. and i had to believe that who i was was worth the journey.

that's pretty big stuff that i know he never intended.

this morning i came down to an email from a neighbor who i
had lost for awhile. you could see over the years we've
tried to make it better...but it felt like it'd never be
what it used to be. i felt that loss more than i wanted to
admit. he and i had been close. and i missed that.

over the summer, he struggled hard. real hard.
bumping into him outside one day, we ended up having
a long conversation about struggle and life and doing what it takes.
i had learned a lot about that stuff. and i could share some
of those thoughts.

i think that's when he came back.
i think that's when we found each other again.

this morning, he sent me this vid.
said it reminded him of my 'great spirit.'
it's one of those fun flash mob things.
but as i listened to the words in the song,
the tears streamed down my face.

to go from feeling such humiliation around everyone,
to having this sent to me by one of those very people
that i felt it around - well...
it meant the world to me.

no, things will never be the same for me.
and how's that for wonderful news???

i believe........

check out the vid!