trying...

sherry asked me to explain my thought i had a few blogs down a bit more.
had to laugh when i read that......i have no idea what i mean, i'm just
learning and thinking out loud...but i'll try.

here's the part:
"and perhaps instead of putting so much energy into making things look the way
we think they should....perhaps the energy should be in putting those things
down and getting out of the way."

and i think a little meltdown i had last nite might work here to explain it....

i didn't really realize it, i thought my meltdown had to do with finances. but when i sit back and think about it, it hit all the big buttons for me. i'm seeing more and more that finances do that a lot. money is filled with powerful messages.

i was in the middle of doing something that really puts it in my face right now
that i don't have any money to spare. i was trying to be 'good' about it, but
right in the middle of it i just quit. i walked away so incredibly frustrated and
took a shower and just cried. i had been feeling bad as my back was hurting, didn't
have a lot of energy, and put it all into trying to make this situation i was in
look the way i think it should. and suddenly i didn't have any energy left. and
i melted.

and i gotta tell you, when i sit back and see all the strings in this situation
and how they yank on so many buttons...and how none of it looks the way i think it should, well i understand the meltdown. and yet i try and try so hard to make it okay in my head. i so want it to fit the picture in my head. i try to explain it to myself logically, other times i try to ignore it, other times i try to pretend, or convince myself i really am okay with it all...whatever the strategy for the moment, i'm trying hard because it's not fitting the way i think it should look.

i try to make something fit a picture that isn't real. a picture that i've put
together from all kindsa little bits and pieces of my life. a picture no one else
has, cause you have to have all the same little bits and pieces. all those bits and pieces are strings to things that make me feel safe, seen, mattering, all that stuff.
i form them into a picture and different things in my life need to fit that picture
for me to feel 'happy.'

but what if i took that energy and stopped. just stopped. and looked at what was
pressing my buttons. looked at all the bits and pieces i've gathered and why.
REALLY looked. looked at WHY i needed it to look a certain way.

there's a couple reasons i can see right off hand why that takes a lot of energy.
one, to really look and see is hard.

you have to really face what's there. WHY this piece and this piece? why do you need this?
if there IS something there, you have to be honest about it.
i find honesty tiring sometimes.

and if there ISN'T really any reason for these bits and pieces to be part of it all, you have to face the fact that you've distorted a lot of stuff in your life over this stuff that doesn't even matter.

either way, lots of energy.

and then....if you look and see it's blocking your view to what's really there,
you have to put it down to really see. putting something down should be so easy.
i would think it should be so easy. for me, it's not.
i'm not sure why.
but it's not.

but if i can put all this button stuff down in this situation i had last nite,
and really see what's there...and just step out of my way...
well, that would be pretty cool. it would change everything.

this morning as i think about it, the resistance is so big time against that thought.

i don't want to put it down.

go figure.

i don't want to put something down that makes me feel miserable.

you gotta wonder why.

i don't know if that explains it any better or not.
but that's what i got this morning.....