changes

there's been this weird spring cleaning thing that happened here.
it was an accident.
started with just needing to think, so painting the kitchen seemed
like a good idea.
then with the heat coming soon, the guys will need to move down to where
it's cooler in the house, so i had to clean out part of my studio to
make room.

thru all of this some cleaning had to take place.

and thru that cleaning, this odd kinda cleaning out of the old lives
took place.

i've felt this here and there before when i cleaned...but this time
it was hitting me all over the place.

at one point, i remembered when the kids were little. i was changing
something around that had been that way since they were small.
wow.
the memories flooded in.
just filled me.
there was such a sense of that life being over.

as i was headin' to the grocery store one evening, i saw something the
guys had put in the trash that needed to go. it was good they tossed it.
but again.....it was something from a past life. when the kids
were a little bit older, but still kids.

i'm feelin' it more and more.
even tho that lifetime ended awhile ago.
i seem to be feeling it now.

i guess when that lifetime ended, i was so busy building a new one.
and now the 'new' one is changing too. so i see all of it changing.

last nite i hung out with my guy and his son for awhile.
there was a lot of laughing and bantering.
when i looked over at them at one point, sitting across from each
other, both laughing so hard one had his hands over his head laughing
and the other with his eyes closed leaning back laughing...
i smiled.
the journey it's been to get to that moment has been so so so so long.

and that lifetime of workin' so hard at it all is over too.

all over the place, out of the blue, memories of different lifetimes
will shoot thru me. and i think 'wow, that feels like forever ago.
and it's just gone.'

we just keep growing and changing. and it brings some really good stuff
with it. and some really hard stuff.
i'm struck with that.
the mix.
of the really hard/challenging and the really easy/joyful.
how fast it all goes.
how much it all changes.

and while i know i have to - and want to - hang on for the ride,
today, i'm closing my door, snuggling into my studio and just
stayin' quiet while life roars all around me.