Wednesday, April 27, 2011

morning pondering

i wrote a note yesterday that's been on my mind a lot since.

well, a PIECE of the note has been on my mind.

someone wrote who misunderstood why i wasn't doing something for her.
i was glad she wrote so i could give her an explanation as there
was no need for any hurt or bad feelings.

here's a piece of my repsonse:

something i've been dealing with the last few days is people loving me
for what i am, not for what i do. i've been struggling with believing i'm
worth loving soley for who i am.

this has been helpful for me here, because i can see clearly that who i am in this
situation is truly someone who is worthy of love. because the only
driving force inside of me is kindness.

any misunderstanding of that is truly just a misunderstanding.


that part matters to me.
and i keep thinking about it.
and my life.

you'd think by now it'd be easier not to do stuff people ask me to do.
and i guess it is.
but depending on the situation and the person.
it can get pretty tricky for me sometimes.
and i get lost in the doubting of my self worth.
or......maybe not even that.
maybe in the doubting that anyone else can see my self worth if
i don't do what they want.

that's more like it, i think.

that's it.

that people won't value me.
not so much that i won't.

so the deal there is do i value me enough to weather that?
do i value me enough to allow that or allow space for that?
and do i trust enough to know that there are people who
value me for me?

do i trust that enough?

there ARE people who DON'T value me for me.
there ARE.


and there ARE people who DO.
there ARE.


what if there weren't?

does it change my actions?
does it change my own valuing of myself?

so then....does it all just become a big 'so what?'

there's always gonna be both kindsa people.
fill your life with those who value you for you.
know the others will always be on the edges of your life.
and fill your acts with kindness and honesty and keep
on goin'.


and ter....don't forget......keep on growin' the trust.

trust in your heart.
trust in the process of life.
trust in the space to allow life to unfold.


☼Illuminary☼ said...

I like this..
it's that whole perspective thing..
been a tough one lately..
thanks for this..

♥stephey said...

thank you for sharing this. i resonate with having difficulty sometime saying no to the "others" - the ones I know do not value me and therefore challenge me verbally with reasons why I should help them, or support them, now, right now, when they want IT, regardless if I am available. What is uncomfy is the verbal attack that usually takes place when the other realizes, no, i am not doing, whatever, I am so rudely being asked to do in that moment. I feel a sense of shock when this hostile energy hits. In this sense I feel naive, for I typically leave the situation thinking, wow, never saw that coming and wow didn't know people still treated one another like that - wow. It may be the "I'd never!" syndrome but mama it pops up. You're right, some people simply do not value me (one another) and I keep striving to get into the space where that doesn't affect me, dim the light and though that affect has lessoned, as an empathic person, it still gets inside. then I'm left with getting that out.
and i don't know if those awful feelings will ever cease when being trespassed against, when being demeaned. Actually, I'd say those feelings are there for me as an internal guidance system claiming, warning! warning! trespass, reset that boundary.

I think if anything changes it's my ability to let it go - quicker. I feel inspired to admit, that there's been times in my past where it took me years to let that devalued energy go. i allowed it inside for to long and internalized it to the point of despondency. Now, i still experience energy like that here and there but my timing, like an internal metronome, has improved significantly! You know what really helps? reading posts like this, talking about it, giving IT a voice so I don't loose mine in the hostile moment. xox stephey

p.s. You matter! I see and value your worth! You make a positive difference in my life being just you. and though i might appear a groupie, i don't want anything from you - BEFORE i even had the pleasure of knowing the you a little more - I loved you! You. With perfect timing, your presence came into my life through your creations. I had never met or heard your name or had my life brightened with your spirit until I did. such a bright light, who would ever want it to dim? Stars like that are meant to honor and bask in it's rays - like we do the sun! and i'm a sucker for stars, always have noticed their sparkly light. :)

P.s.s. did it get weird? did i say to much? you should know i sat here for a few minutes questioning wether or not to edit or delete. then i hit send cuz i remembered i'm not afraid to show + express emotions. :)

Sher said...

Ter - I wonder if you would consider taking the ideas in this blog post and creating some bone sighs...we get hurt by our families and personal relationships, for sure. I'm resonating with Stephey about how we get hurt out in the world, too. I am going to keep this post at my desk at work...because I'm worthy.

You are too.