feelin' a pull........

just so you know...this even sounds funky weird to me.

i don't even know where to start.

there will be some threads here that have to tie together.

first one i've said before......years and years ago when i first met
bob and we were just buds, he told me that i was on a 'quest.'
and it really ticked me off.
not sure why.
but i didn't like the idea.
but there was a drive there i couldn't deny, and i finally agreed,
that yeah, okay, maybe i was on a quest.

over the years that's shifted and who knows what. but i think it's
kinda always been there in some form or another.
i don't think quests just go away.

lately, it's been kinda bubblin' up more and more in ways that i felt
but just didn't recognize.

it's now talkin' really loudly to me, and i know that there's got
to be some shifting in my life. and i don't even know what that means.
i just feel it.

and i think what makes it 'quest-like' is that it feels like there's
no choice here. it feels like things must shift.

all of this has been fuzzy inside of me.
last nite in talking with my guy, i saw that there were some real
possibilities for us moving further along together.
of course, it's not just up to me, and that has me wondering how it will all go.

but thru the talk it was getting clearer that 'the quest' was pulling.
(what does that EVEN MEAN?? i don't know...i don't have words....)

this morning, on the treadmill, i put on some song zakk had put on my music player.
i was running and listening and got so into this song....
it was about breaking the line and going where you had to go and not being
able to come back...having to move forward...

it was beginning to get really clear to me that that's what i feel like right now.
stronger and stronger as each day passes.

and then as i walked down the street this morning, i saw a guy walkin' my way.
i noticed his walk in the distance.
'what a great walk he's got.' i thought.
it was full of life and zest.
as we passed each other and said our hellos and little small talk,
i was filled with amazement.....

he was like a black stevie ray vaughan (musician, who turned into a symbol for me of
my commitment into my life of finding my passion, of commitment to my quest.)
i kept walking and my mind was racing.
ohmygosh, that was like walkin' by stevie, i kept thinking.
how weird was that?
he even SOUNDED like what i figure stevie would sound like.
and the funny thing??? when i first heard stevie sing, i was absolutely sure
he was a black guy.

i walked just tryin' to hold what i had been feeling, all the jumbled thoughts
that had been in my head about going deeper into where i wanted to go, seeing
'stevie' walk by....and i got up to the end of the street.

oh my gosh.
okay. here's the weird(er) part.

i stood and looked at the trees across the street.
just a few days ago, on my walk, i came to this spot and looked at the trees
and this tremendously strong feeling came over me.
it was too weird to blog about, so i didn't.
but now, i just have to.

it was as if i was being called into this clump of trees.
yeah, i know.
what can i say?
weird.
but it was so strong.
i have never felt anything like it before.
i stood there wondering what it was, and i actually felt like i had
to turn and walk away cause i wanted to be pulled in with them so badly.

i walked away thinking i was getting weirder and weirder and left it at that.

later that day, i had some writing to do.
i sat out in my yard to do so.
i was in the middle of it when a great breeze started up.
i looked up at the trees and the exact same feeling came over me.

what IS this?? i wondered.
it was SUCH a pull.
it was like being pulled INSIDE the color.
i soooo wanted to go and i was soooooo afraid to go.

yeah.
this is why i didn't blog about it.
how do you even describe this and try to tell someone you really aren't on drugs???

i just didn't understand what was going on.
i wrote a bone sigh about it later.
and then let it go.

so this morning, as i stood at the corner looking at the trees again,
i did NOT feel the same thing...BUT i remembered the feeling
and stood there and thought of everything that was goin' on with me the
last few days.

wow. could it really be some kinda 'time' for me to go further? i wondered.
is there really something so deep inside and maybe around me that's calling
me? is that possible???

i'm starting to think it is.
and i'm starting to know that i'm going.

and what does that mean???
i haven't a clue.
just no clue.

except this......
once during a conversation with bob, i expressed concern that i'd 'settle'
and just let life get stagnant. he looked at me with a grin and yet so
serious and said 'there's no way you'll let that happen, ter. there's just
no way.'

i doubted him at the time.

and this morning i'm seeing whatever it is he saw.....
cause i know this.......i gotta follow this pull.