holding the process

it was one of those afternoons....
the final straw that just kinda hit too hard or something.

there's been 'stuff' mixed in the good for a few weeks.
and each piece of that stuff had felt pretty big.
i was surprised i had been holding it as well as i had.

and then...well..i wasn't holdin' anything well.
i sat out in my back yard and cried.
then got up to do some yard work.

zakk popped his head out to say hello and i couldn't even
speak. i tried to hide how i was feeling, but knew that if
i opened my mouth i'd just fall apart.
so i mumbled and nodded and couldn't look him in the
eyes and totally blew any kinda hiding i had hoped for.
he stepped all the way out the door and looked at me
and showed me he cared.

'i'm just a mess right now,' i told him.
'i'll be okay. just gonna work out here a bit.'

'me too.' he said.

he went and got his shoes on and worked in the yard a little
ways from me. but around.

amazing.
that 'me too' conveyed all the love in the world right there.
and i so cherished his heart.

also amazing is that my friend who's like my adopted mom
called thru this. i thought i'd spare her and not call her back.
but thought better of it. 'she's just who you need, ter.'

and i called her.

she was right there with the 'it's all okay' soothing voice.
with the reminders that change always happens and that's as
it should be and it's okay. with the 'i completely understand'
comments gently thru the phone lines. and the reminding me that
it's all a process and to trust.

she told me of her own stories and her own tears.
i nodded and offered her some of the same stuff back.

i told her stuff i don't tell anyone else.
and she was right there understanding it all and encouraging me
to keep on growing.

i hung up, went to the store and bought food for the guys.
lots of food.
stuff to fill their bellies and it felt good.

tonite the gang's goin' to see capt'n jack in the new pirates movie.
it's gonna be mindless and fun.
and i'm gonna laugh and carry on.
i want to give that back to zakk.
i really do.
i'm gonna make sure i sit next to him and goof with him
and drive him crazy.
it'll be my way of loving him back for last nite....

it's a process, she told me. and it's all okay.
i'm holdin' that today.