Monday, May 2, 2011

hatin' the word 'massive'

i watched a movie last nite with the guys.
unfortunately, it hit a spot inside and stirred up a lot.

i think if i listed the top ten bad moments of my life,
this one would be number one. it involved my dad when he
was dying from a massive stroke.

this morning when i woke up, i woke up in a funky mood.
a 'what's it all about?' mood.
and i was pretty sure it had to do with that stirring from
the movie.

wasn't thrilled with the mood.
wondered how it would leak out into my day.
and wondered if i'd wrestle with what life was all about
all day.

i came down to an email that hit me like a brick between
the eyes.

a friend's husband had a massive stroke. things don't look good.
he's in the same hospital my dad was in.

i got on the treadmill completely shaken.
i chose to leave the music off.
i knew my thoughts were gonna fuel me just fine.
i ran to the beat of crazed thoughts thundering thru
my brain.

i hate the word 'massive,' i thought.
i just hate that word.
i thought of this man laying there, most likely dying.
i thought of some of the moments i've shared with him.
i pictured his laugh.
i thought of how stinkin' fleeting it all is.

outside later, i walked to settle down the thoughts.
i had decided to go to the hospital in a few hours.
not sure if they'd want me or not, i decided i'd show up and if
they didn't want me, i'd turn around and go home. but that showing up mattered.

walking, it sorta landed on me that 'being love' was what i needed to do today.
that whatever life was all about, 'being love' was what was echoing thru my
veins this morning, and i would try to do that.

my cell rang. was surprised to hear josh's voice.
pretty early for him. and he never calls me on my walk.
he had heard the news.
we talked it over and he's coming too.

as i hung up, i was rattled again.
with josh there it would bring up more memories of my dad dying.
i was already nervous about walking into the hospital.
okay, nervous is too mild.
freaked out a bit would fit better.
to have josh there made it all the more flash back like.
and i knew he'd be rattled.
this is his friend's dad who's dying.

can i pull this off? i wondered.
can i drive all the way there with him and stay together?
and i thought of the being love thing.
just be love, i thought.
which means.....be love to yourself too.
absolutely include yourself in on this, ter.

just be love and show up for life.

and here's the kicker.....be glad you can.
be glad you can show up for life.
be glad you can be rattled.
be glad you can try to be there for someone.

i thought of my friend's husband laying there.

i have no idea whatsoever what it's all about.
but being love and showing up seems to kinda cover what i'd need to cover.
and i'm so so so grateful for the chance today.

2 comments:

Merry ME said...

As I read I envisioned the white tree. Even though the winds are blowing it pretty hard right now, it's roots run deep. It's branches are stretched out to cover and protect others. It's light shows you the way to "be the tree" for yourself and others.

Remember this, your gift is the ministry of your presence. Being there for your friend, is awesome. So is being there for you. Find a place to sit in silence and try to make peace with your loss.

Cathy Hall Stengel said...

Oh Terri, I wrote a long poetic response about being love and showing up, but somehow it went away in cyber space.

Just showing up and being love, is truly the best gift we can offer another human being. We are afraid, of course for all the reasons we've been to that hospital, that unit, that smell that look...but this time, as we would wish it for ourselves. We show up and we are love, because it's right, because no one should ever be in that space alone. You have a great heart, and I hope this is a great motivation to people.

Just show up, be love, and if necessary, use words.