real

something that matters to me a lot because of my background is
'living real.'

i'm not even sure if it makes sense if you've always lived real.
i don't know how to explain it.

it's living straight, honest and real.
it doesn't include denial, making things up, lying, leaving things out,
or twisting things to make them fit some reality you've chosen.

it means you just offer what you really are and what you really think
and try to look at things honestly.

simple enough, right?
i wonder how many people can relate to my desire for it.
i think you have to know denial pretty darn well to understand the drive
that you get when you wake up from it.

being with someone who doesn't live real is one of the biggest challenges
for me these days.

i walked and tried to think of why.
why i just can't roll with it.
i try.
i mean, who cares?
as long as it's not me doin' it, who cares.
people do a lotta things i don't do. and i'm okay with that.
this one tho....is tough for me.

i guess maybe because i get in a place where i struggle all thru
trying to keep myself real in a sea of craze.
balancing when to just be quiet and smile and nod and when to
say something becomes exhausting.
my words are measured, it's an effort.

i don't want to crash my real on top of anyone else's unreal
and make them see it my way. and yet, i don't want to play a game
in the process and become unreal myself.

ahhhhhh......fatigue.
and definitely limited interactions.

'is it a value thing?' i wondered.

'is this like different life values??'

'oh my gosh!' i answered........'it's only everything, ter!'

it's a value thing.......you have to value yourself enough not to hide yourself.
you have to value whoever you're with not to hand them make believe garbage.
you have to value life and really live what is goin' on.

it's a foundation thing......you can't build anything solid on a river of denial.
you can't build anything on that.

it's a spiritual thing...you can't touch the god inside of you when you won't
even look for the top layer stuff.

it's everything.

i teared up thinking about it.

about ten years ago i knew i couldn't live that way anymore.
i didn't really understand a whole lot about it.
just that i needed to find the real in my life.

and now....when i see how it affects me to be around someone who doesn't
even know what that is...and when i think about it...and what all i've
learned...and what all i've gained...

this morning there's this renewed sense inside me - this renewed
awareness of the real i have so longed for. of the real i have found.
of the real my life has become.

i drop to my knees in gratitude for finding this thing called 'real.'
and for leaving the other behind.....