decision list

it was one of those nites......
eyes wide open staring at the dark ceiling wondering if
sleep would ever come.

oh yeah. one of those.

it was hot, but was it THAT hot?
we don't usually have nites like that til august.
i guess between stuff on my mind and the heat,
there i was.

decisions were one of the many topics that ran thru
my thoughts, and eventually my dreams last nite.

it's a lot easier to watch other people instead of yourself,
ya know? and i've been watchin' people around me and kinda
amazed at the whole process.

it's not so much i'm stuck on the decisions they're making.
sometimes i get stuck there. and want to fix things or
change their minds, or run in the other direction.
but this is a bit different.

i'm stuck on the whole obvious process of how those decisions
have some pretty obvious outcomes that suck.
and yet, there they are, making them. and i can pretty much
guarantee that there will be a lot of conversations about
the pain those decisions caused later on. there will be a lot
of wading thru upset emotions.

i am watching them completely set themselves up.

and that's just kinda amazing me.

so, okay.
i know it's not just everyone else on the planet and i am
above this kinda behavior. i never seem to be that lucky.

so it makes me really really wonder about myself.
am i doing the same thing???
well, my guess would be yeah.
that every single one of us is.
maybe not right this moment, but give us a day or two.

which makes me shudder for every single one of us and also
makes me shake my head and laugh at us.

what is wrong with us????

why do we do that?????

so, seriously, why???

so i sit and look at the people i can see right now doing it.
try to figure out why they're doin' it.

'needs and fears' comes to mind.

needs and fears.

shoot, you get those mixed in there and it seems pretty
hopeless to me.

i know i get pretty lost in that territory.

but there IS a question that can help steer me.

'will this serve my highest good?'

i like that question.

sometimes that's a little too lofty and hard to get there,
and a simple 'is this good for me?' might work better.

altho, watching my fellow humans around me, i'm
thinking that one's easier to trick ourselves with.
i can see one person immediately knowing no, it's not,
and sitting and evaluating. but i can see a few others
not being able to see that.

i wonder if the question should be 'will this be healthy
in the long run?'

oh, yeah, that's a good one too.

okay....how about a series of questions?
i need to write them down on a little piece of paper.
and quiz myself with some of the decisions i make.

that could be good.
cause seriously, i'm watchin' this stuff thinking we're
absolutely nuts to work the way we do at times.
so, when do we tweak that???

think i'll write my list today....