Wednesday, June 1, 2011

one of those days....

so okay, it was a day chock-full of human behavior that belonged
in the psychology books.

well, i guess ALL human behavior belongs in the psychology books.
but these all woulda got highlighted areas. these woulda been
the sections the professor would stop, pause for attention,
look over his glasses at you and say in a deep slow voice:
'study these.'

it started out with myself.
i did something out of my comfort zone.
something that needed to be done, but then made my insides shake.
i watched it, addressed it, told myself that i was kicking into
old fears that didn't need to be there.

well, great, i answered myself. that's just wonderful.
but that thought doesn't stop the queasiness or the jumpiness.
logic only goes so far, ya know?

i was struck with how deep and strong all that was inside of me.
i was struck with how much it affected me and my actions.

pondering on how much our 'stuff' directed what we did in life
and how we did it, i turned into my day.

as if life wanted to give me a show, i watched dysfunctional
action after dysfunctional action play out all around me.

it actually unsettled me.
rattled me.

i realized how much when i sat telling bob about all that i was
seeing and right there in the coffee shop my eyes were tearing up.
i put my head in my hands while he was busy with something.
when he finished and asked if i was okay, i looked up, tears
in the eyes and said no.

we were there for a meeting that completely fit in this show
life was providing for me.

when it was all over, i turned to bob and said 'well that fit
right in with the theme of the day.'

he laughed.
i laughed too.
it was either that or cry.

denial. that was a big one i saw yesterday. denial.
that's a freaky scary one for me. cause it's hard to work with
cause you're denying whatever's goin' on, right??? tricky stuff.
always unnerves me.

denial, baggage, ego. sooooo much ego i saw yesterday.
failure to really see and look at our own personal behavior and
the reality that's creating - (maybe that's a spin off of denial),
arrogance, fear, fear, fear, meanness - just plain meanness.

i was beginning to lose hope.
i was beginning to think that there's so much dysfunction that
it's just hopeless.

then josh came thru.
there was drama in his life yesterday that fit right into all this.
and he came thru talking about how he was going to deal with it all.

and i saw...i really someone's greed (oh, did i mention
greed in that list???) and arrogance and fear and meanness were
pushing josh to figure out how to deal with it all in a way that
was 'right' for him.

he was good. he was okay.
i could relax and not worry about what this did to him.
i could watch him deal with it and grow from it.
i could see how this was gonna grow him.

and then i thought of christas's blog the other day.
(if you didn't read it, it's a must read and it's posted just
below here) she went thru something horrendous that other
people did to her, and she took it.....and i can't imagine how
long it took her - i would guess a very long time.....but she
transformed it. she made it make her more.

she took something so sick, so wrong, and made it something
so incredibly good.

i could feel the hope washing over me.

not everyone's gonna do the work, ter.
which is gonna add to the crazy mix out there.
it's what makes it all so crazy.

but there are those that will. and those that do.
and that's what makes the difference between living real
and living dysfunction.

we grow.
if we're lucky, and we try, we grow.
even among the land of dysfunction, we can grow.
maybe ESPECIALLY in the land of dysfunction, we can grow.

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