thinking out loud again...

i never really thought he heard much of anything i said.
and then he pulled a line outta the hat that made me laugh.

'you always say that i should do what's right for me,
well i think it's time i do that.'

i laughed cause of all lines to pick, that's the one that
there's no doubt came from me. has my voice all over it.

so why didn't it feel right?

i thought about it later.

he's making a decision that he wants to make, feels unsure of
the reaction he'll get, but really wants to do it the way he's
decided, and that line works as a justifier.

well, that's okay, i spose.

and i think it works out okay as the decision he's making really
probably is the best thing for him.

but i don't think that's why he's making the decision.

hmmmmm....
so that gives me a little food for pondering.

not sure if it's clear enough to think out loud about or not.

but i'm thinking about decision making.

i don't know, maybe the goal part of your life is so darn important.
if you have a basic goal - something general but that makes sense to you -
something like - i want to be a healthy adult, body mind and spirit.
that's pretty general, but works. and it's something you can work with.
so whatever it is.....if you can grab it and steer your decisions towards
it, you can figure out what's right for you. and you can base your decisions
on that. and then you will consciously be working with the idea of doing
what's right for you.

i have a general goal. and when i keep it in mind, it helps a lot, but still
gets confusing. mine would be something like 'i want to be love.'
well, that's great and should be an easy guide, right?
nah.
throw in other people who make you crazy and you end up goin' back and
forth about what's loving to them and what's loving to you and the two feel
in conflict with each other and confusion sets in -
what the heck is the right thing to do???

at first it feels confusing.
but it usually gets resolved by goin' down a layer or two.
usually.

but all that is directed decision making in doing what's right for you.
you may goof, buy you're trying.

what he was handing me was decision making based on hurt (i totally get that
one, by the way, and am not judging that, just observing), making the
decision based on hurt, and then throwin' in the justifying line to feel
better about it all. (i have done this twenty thousand times myself!)

hmmmmm....
there's a difference there i can't quite figure out.

oh!
if you go with the theory that everything is love or fear,
i would guess that his decision is based on fear. fear of being hurt again,
fear of not being able to handle what's coming if he doesn't change the course.

what would the difference be if the decision was be based on love?
probably same outcome, same decision. just different process.
love of oneself, knowing one should be in a healthier environment,
and one deserves better treatment or something like that.

and then the reason THAT matters, is that to form a habit of thinking from
love based decisions that aim for your goal instead of fear based decisions
that need to be justified is that it becomes habit, you do it more and more,
and pretty soon you're living in love not in fear. AND you're headin' in
the direction you want to.

woe.
maybe?

i'm thinking i need to be checkin' in on some of my decision making.
and now i kinda have a thought process for it.
which i bet i forget!!