compassion and choices

it's gonna be something that haunts my whole life.
i think that's just the way it's going to be.

i mostly do okay with the loss.
many times i can speak of it without tearing up.
sometimes i can't.

i joke about it, roll my eyes about it, and sometimes cry about it.

it comes when i hear of events that i'm not included in.
mostly, i expect it and am prepared.

sometimes i forget and it blindsides me.

that's usually when the struggle comes in.

which is what happened this morning.

thinking about it as i brushed my teeth, i did something unusual
and good.

i felt compassion for myself.
'no wonder you carry this issue, ter. no wonder.'

and i just felt compassion.

it was natural and easy and came to mind quickly.

i wondered if that would ever happen naturally.
and there it was.

later, i could hear the inside voice wondering why
'they didn't pick me.'

kinda like not getting picked for the kickball team,
only worse.

and this thought rolled in....

i'm loving, and i'm real and i'm honest and i'm kind.

why would you pick the opposite? why would you pick the
opposite over that?

i could feel the pain in the questions.
but i could also feel something else.

a couple things were real healthy about these questions...
and i could feel that.
one.....i knew i was those things. i was loving and real
and honest and kind. i knew that.
it's been a long time coming.
but i know that now.

two.....i can see that the opposite was picked.
and i can see that sometimes that's what people do.
sometimes it just feels easier. and that's what they do.

and i could see that's the choices that create the lives we have.

and that people are people.

there's still a sadness.
but there's something else.

a knowing that my choices will create my life.
just as they do for everyone.

setting the sadness over on the shelf,
patting it and letting it know i care,
i'm going to go surround myself in love today.
real, honest, good, kind love that can see me.

because i choose that.