Friday, July 29, 2011

the ghosts were out...

i skipped the walk this morning and just sat on my back porch
looking out into the back yard.

the ghosts were active this morning.
all the ghosts of memories.

we have a nice decent sized back yard.
one reason we bought the place way back when zakk wasn't
even born yet. a yard for the kids to goof in.

and it ended up having different sections to it.

i looked over at the one section...
the place we would hook up some kinda work light on top
of a ladder, set that up at nite, say they were our stadium lights,
and play some kinda goofy ball game over there. all the hollering...
i could just about hear it...see the light in the dark...the feel
of playing outside in the dark...

then there was the other area where the kids learned to throw the
baseball and hit. i remembered swinging the bat and running around
and hollerin' with them...i could see it so clearly.

my head turned to another section....where the swing set used to be...
all the time swinging when they were way young.

or over there......where we kept the 3x12 pool that seemed so big when
we first got it.

i could see the laughing, the playing, the growing.

sometimes it comes back so clear to me i really feel like it haunts me.
i'm never sure if it feels good or sad or what. it seems to be such
a mix of both with an overwhelming feeling of life going way too fast.

then i stop myself and realize i'm going to feel that way about right now.
how i'm going to remember all the crazy stuff of the guys when they were
grown and finishing up their time here.

my life is good. it's always been good. even when it was bad it was good.
yeah. it's been life. so full.

and it keeps goin'.

i want it to slow down today.
i really do.
or maybe i just want to make sure i hold it all as precious.

i remember thinking that when the guys were small.
'hold this, ter, cause it doesn't last long. appreciate it.'
and i did.
i really did.
and it slipped right away.
into more preciousness.

a constant flow of preciousness.
slipping thru my fingers but touching me so deeply just the same.

the ghosts were out tuggin' on my heart this morning.
reminding me of the gift of today.


Merry ME said...

Hi Ter,
"'hold this, ter, cause it doesn't last long. appreciate it.'
and i did.
i really did"
as I read this I had the thought that is is perhaps one of the reasons you and your boys are so close, respectful and loving.

The fact that your took the time to appreciate the little things, undoubtedly helped them to appreciate what life offers on a daily basis, not to mention how much you respect them and the things they do. Love is one thing. Respect and feeling important another. You gave these gifts and so many more to your sons and it is reaping great rewards.

I didn't learn how important this was until my children were grown and I was a nanny. I had a whole different attitude about life around me. It wasn't just about getting from point a to point b with clean clothes and a PBJ.

terri said...

i was lucky, i knew what i had the whole time....not sure how, but know i did. have to remember how lucky i was~! thanks, mary!