on my mind...

i've been engaged a month now.
and i'm still completely moved by this whole deal.

i was going to say giddy...but giddy's just the top stuff.
the deep stuff is so big and so deep and so amazing.

i was thinking about it today.
about what happened.

and why it's affected me so much.

it's funny.
it's not the marriage stuff.
that's not the thrill.
i mean, that'll be cool.
it really will be.
but that's down the road and i don't know,
hasn't caught my attention yet.

it's what happened when he asked...
the work we were doing...the fact that we're a work
in progress and said that's where we want to be.
workin' on us.

there's something really deep about the whole story.
it's close to my heart.
i think it's an awesome story that i may some day have to
put out there as there's so much to it. but i don't know.
maybe not.

but the gist of it is that this man who works so incredibly differently
than i do, this man, who doesn't understand the way i work, not only
accepts it, but went to a place with it that i don't think any other
person would have. he knows what matters to me, and he's offered a safe
place for that in a way that is so genuine and real and loving.

i have never ever experienced that in my life. total acceptance.
totally being loved.

i keep thinking about it.

so yeah, i'm pretty darn lucky.
beyond lucky.

the thing i'm thinking about right now is do i offer it back?

yeah, i'm thinking at least 'good enough' cause he's here.
but what about for real?

what about in the way he gave it to me?

ya know what?
i really don't think i do.

i really don't.

i mean, i do okay.
but 'okay' isn't gonna last a life time.

how long does it take before 'okay' turns into 'sometimes'
or 'when he does this, but not when he does that.'??

what's it take to love all of someone all the time?

yeah, i know.
it doesn't mean we have to like certain things.
i understand that.

but do we get caught up in the not liking of certain things and
let that take over? and forget about loving who the person is?

i admit it, i'm gun-shy about marriage. i've done the forgetting
of who the person was, or maybe i came to know and didn't like what
i knew...
how sad is that?

how long does the love really last? how long before the other person
just drives you nuts?

it all starts out so beautiful....

i feel good about us tho.
talk about doin' the work. we keep at it.

but i tell ya,the only way i'm doin' this marriage stuff again
is by loving him for real. all of him.

and to return the favor of allowing the things i don't understand and
offering a safe place for all of that.

i think i've got some practicing to do.
and i can't think of a better thing to work on....