overwhelmed

i got real discouraged about love when i left my marriage
ten years ago...
real, real discouraged.

and then i saw a case where love should have saved a little girl.
and it couldn't.

and a time where i thought love could help two boys.
and it didn't.

and i've been watching what people call love, and not believing
that's what i'd call it. thinking a whole lotta people have no
clue what it really is.

knowing i had to learn everything from the ground up. that
i hadn't been taught or learned anything healthy. that i had
no clue either.

so i've been pretty scrambled about the topic.
and have felt a lot of discouragement related to it all.
many beliefs about it had crumbled.

and then i found love, ya know?
and you'd think that'd be enough to convince me of it.
but it wasn't.
cause it was hard and i wasn't sure about it and still
just not convinced in the power of it.

the years that my guy and i have been together set up
the moment for us. all the work, the struggle, the growing
of trust - it set up the moment.

and how he proposed, what was going on with me and what he said,
- that moment -
i honestly believe changed me forever.

cause something deep and heavy inside of me got lifted out.
and i'm not carrying it anymore.

the first week, i was floating so high off the ground, i didn't
think i'd ever land.

and then, i did.
cause life landed on top of me.

and i remembered that just cause something changed inside of me,
doesn't mean that life changed. and i struggled with a few things
again. including something between that guy and me.

but it was different this time. and i could feel the difference.
the doubts weren't there like they were before. it was way better.
even the hard stuff was better.

and then...the last few days i found myself sad about stuff that
hits really deep.

the stuff that's gonna test what's goin' on inside of me.
if anything was gonna challenge my theory that something deep
had changed, this would be it. cause this was the stuff that
fed the big heavy thing that had been removed.
this was its food.

and sure enough....it's different now.

my gosh.

it really is different now.

it's sad. and it can make me feel sorrow.
but the feeling that i'm not loveable is gone.
the belief that no one can love me is gone.

it's gone.

i have been carrying that with me for as long as i can remember.
and it's gone.
it's gone.

i've been thinking of that a lot the last couple of days.

and then i saw the quote of the day today:

“ "damaged goods" was the title she had given herself,
"never loving wholly," her verdict.
she'd been wrong.
her heart was totally open tonite,
her love as free as a child's. ”

i remember writing that.
i would feel such love sometimes, but it would fade.
the self doubts would come back in.

but as i read that this morning, i knew....i just knew
that i had grown into it for real.
i am NOT damaged goods.
i CAN love wholly.

and i've been taught that thru the love of one very very
patient, kind and strong man.

love taught me that.

love has changed some really really rough stuff inside of me.
love has shifted boulders inside of me.

love has done that.

and this morning i am overwhelmed with the power of love.
and i haven't really really held that ever.
ever.
i used to hold some fake belief.
that it could change everything and heal everything.

and then i got that belief knocked outta me big time.
and i could only see so much of the power of love.
only so much.

even tho, i knew somehow love's related to god.
i still couldn't grasp the power.

this morning as i sit here and think about something i felt would
never ever change inside of me, and how it did with one man's love...
i am completely awed at the power of it all.

and i am completely humbled that this has happened to me.
i have honestly touched love.
and its changed me.

i don't think there's anything cooler than that.
and i'm just kinda overwhelmed with it this morning.