curling in with the morning....

i had a talk with the morning this morning.
i don't think i've ever done that before.

i've talked with a lotta other things - but i'm thinking
this was my first talk with the morning....
well, besides something like 'you're so beautiful,
i want to just hold you.' or just appreciating it.

this was different -
this was more like goin' to a friend and asking for
help with understanding stuff. it was awesome cool.
cause i wasn't looking for answers. just untangling.

what i got was pretty obvious, but i hadn't put it into words
before this morning.

disappointment.

and yeah, different people have been involved in various
instances of disappointment in my life lately. it's been
a string of them.

if i take each one separately and look at each instance,
i can see the other person, and their stuff, and why things
happened the way they did. it all makes sense, and it's all
just life stuff.

but if i don't take it separately, and i just feel this general
ball of stuff inside of me, i didn't have a label for it.
til now. it was just a blobby mass of gunk that didnt' feel good.

but then i got this word...
disappointment.
yeah.
that's what it is.

and like i say - i wasn't looking for answers.
there's thoughts that spur right off of that.
what do you do with it?
if you create your own reality, can you tweak this stuff?
or is this just the deal when dealing with other human beings,
and you just hold it?

i didn't ask.
i didn't search around.

i just sighed with relief.
ahhhhh yeah. THAT'S what it is.

and that's all i wanted this morning.

i have no desire to 'fix' anything right now.
i just wanted to understand me.

and i think rather than try to tackle any of it,
i want to kinda offer myself some compassion today.
that's it.
nothing more.

just say things like 'of course that hurt, ter. and yeah,
that would sting. and yeah, that would make you sad. it's
a lot all together.'

and that's it.

that's it.

and somehow it feels like a ton.

understanding my feelings, giving them a word that makes
sense to me, and accepting them, allowing them, and showing
myself compassion.

all from asking the morning if it'd curl in with me and talk
with me....it was like my own little quiet dance with the
morning.