just being

i was thinking the other day about this love stuff.

when i started out tryin' to figure love out....i meant tryin'
to figure out love between partners. could that really be
something good and healthy and real? did it REALLY exist
or was it just needs masked as love?

i couldn't exactly figure out what 'love' was, so that's
where i figured i had to start.
i needed to figure out what the heck it was.

i still don't know.

but it's been ten years of searching.
and in that searching this darn love theme has taken
over just about everything in my life.

i was shaking my head about that recently thinking that i had
no idea how it would lead into god and living and everything.
i just had no idea.

and while i still have no answers in words,
i do have some feelings that definitely guide me.
and i trust them a whole lot more than i used to.

yesterday i had a complicated situation in my life.
i stopped and asked myself what would be the loving thing
to do?

i think way back when, i just thought the loving thing to do when
i was dealing with people was to make everyone feel good.
that would be where i'd sacrifice myself for their happiness.
all that stuff women everywhere know all about.
make everyone happy and that's loving them.

i don't go there like i used to.

i see now how that can sometimes just feed a whole bunch of
unhealthy stuff. and as far as i can tell, that isn't love.

and i saw that it's really about what's inside of me.
if i'm really not crazed and cranky and resentful and spiteful,
but rather calm and steady and comfortable and loving, that
maybe that's really what matters.

i don't have to DO anything to fix things for someone else.
it's not mine to fix.
i don't have to make the world feel comfortable and love the world
that way.

i don't have to DO anything.

i just have to BE.

and it's the way i choose to be that matters.

and funny......i never ever woulda put the word 'calm'
in the whole deal. i woulda put 'kind' and 'loving' and 'compassionate.'
all that stuff.
but calm....i wouldn't have thought of.

tho this morning i can see calm means i'm not angry and resentful and crazed....
i'm really okay.

calm is a great measurement for what's goin' on inside.
who knew?

so once again, i find myself shaking my head about this love stuff and
how little i know and how every day presents a new chance for me to
learn more...

and that maybe i've gotten far enough down the road that i can trust
that sometimes all i need to do is be.

and maybe that's a really loving thing to offer.