tonite

something happened today.

it's deep and it's personal and i want to hold it close.
but i want to put out here the impact on me today.

i've been running from life the last two weeks.
running hard.
away from the hurt and the sadness and pain that i have
no control over.

running, hiding, just leaving any way i could.

too many buttons gettin' pushed, too much i don't know how
to deal with.

fear.
lots of fear.

so lots of running.

been the worst two weeks i can remember in a long long time.

i've been trying to come back.
i'll grab something, hold on, try and come back.
and got knocked down again and head off runnin' again.
over and over again.

and then something happened tonite that hit me smack in the face.
hit hard. so hard i don't want to talk about it.
and then i just filled with such sadness.

and then.....something else.......
something else......

and i got on my bike tonite.
i've now got a stand for it so i can bike in my room.
you know, like an exercise bike, not like biking all around
the room. :)

i got on, and i rode my heart out.

and i rode back INTO my life.

i want my life.
i really really want my life.
i want the people in my life - with all their struggles,
and pain and flaws and baggage.
i want the love.
i want the belief in it.
i want the trying and messing up.
i want the house with the leaky roof and the
millions of things i have to fix.

and i want the yard full of sticks and leaves i have to pick up.

i was going to pick them up tonite. or at least start.
get out there and clean up.

but i decided to leave them there tonite.
on purpose.

because they don't matter.
cleaning them up doesn't matter.

riding back into my life matters.
and so i chose that.

and i intend to make it one very different kinda week
this week.