Saturday, September 3, 2011


it wasn't like i even knew i HAD the fear.
of course.
fear works like that with me a whole lot.

so i didn't even know it.
til it left.

then i noticed it.


i feel quite calm.

i don't feel any fear.
i musta been holdin' fear all these years.

it's gone.

and so i tried to figure out what the fear was.
now that i felt its absence.
i don't have exact sentences that i know i ran thru my head.
things like 'he doesn't like me, so i must really not be any good.'
or stuff like that. but i think the whole thing just generally fueled my
self doubts.

there's just like this big ol' pile of things that were fuel for the
self doubt.

please note the world 'were.'

cause these particular things aren't anymore.
and i'm not afraid of him or them.

i'm not afraid of him or them.

that's one heck of great line for me.

cause i know i'm fine.

that sounds nice, but i just had two weeks from hell.
and self doubt was at the core of it.

yeah, okay, i still have that stuff. but not as bad. and it's different things
that bring it on. buttons gettin' pressed, things reminding me of other things.
that kinda stuff.  that's fair. that's human. and i'm okay with that.

it's this stuff about being afraid of certain people and not even knowing it.
being afraid and jittery and unsure of myself in their presence.

please stop and insert a delighted raspberry noise  here.
a real delighted raspberry noise.
cause that feeling left.

and i'm fine.

i was talkin' to a girlfriend yesterday about seeing yourself. how it's so important to be able
to do that. and i wasn't sure how we get that seeing, but i do know it's kinda crept up on me.
i have it way more than i ever did. and not sure how i got it. i know there's a long way
to go. but i know i've also traveled a long way.

that's the only thing i can think of that took this fear away.

not true.

cause there's a real important OTHER part.

seeing other people.

oh yeah.

cause i can see this person i've been scared of.
and i shake my head and wonder at my thick slowness sometimes.
at my taking things as all my fault so many times when they so aren't.

it's not just seeing us, is it?
it's seeing us, those around us, and as much of the picture as we're able.

seeing changes everything.

of course, now that i see clearer there comes another challenge.


i would guess it's not until you really see that you can really allow.

and so i step forward not in fear...knowing that my next struggle will be to allow
and let go.

seems a worthy goal, and one i want.
so i step forward and accept the next challenge.
but first....a few more delighted raspberry noises please!

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