Thursday, September 1, 2011

hanging on fairly peacefully....

you know i really don't believe there's some giant nasty being in the sky
laughing and toying with me. but i tell ya, there are times it sure
feels like it!

i posted yesterday how i curled in with the morning and just figured
out that i was dealing with lots of disappointment and that all i
wanted to do was know what was going on with me. nothing more.

i had balanced myself out pretty good and was doin' really well
with my day. was feeling peaceful and good inside. i had gotten
to just where i wanted to be.

cue in the cackling from the great being in the sky.

sense the delight as the giant being rubs his hands together
with glee and says 'oh now that she knows what she's dealing
with, let's give her some more. she can then put her precious
little label on it and 'just be' with it.'

really glad i don't truly believe in that....but ohhhhh yeah....
it sure felt like it.

another zing.

i was soooooo sad.

luckily tho, i'm having my period.
i said luckily.

i seem to be much more calm inside then.

i think the calm gave me the space to just sit and cry for
a few minutes.

a good good good release that i needed.

just a few minutes.

and then i sat and thought about what it is i'd like to do now.

right away four things popped into my head.

i can do those things.
i can change directions.

and i turned to things i had control over. things that wouldn't
disappoint. things that involved just me.

and my mood was good.

hear that rumble? that's the big ol' being in the sky leaning back on
his cloud in his own disappointment. i handled it. not quite as
entertaining as it could have been. no insane moments? no fists on
the desk? no hopping on the bike and biking her heart out???

ahhhhh but no.......he squints his eyes and leans forward for a better
look. and a slow smile appears....

there's a streak of fear in me. and he can see it.
ah! good! there IS something rumbling inside her.

i got over the disappointment way too easy.
there's been too much lately.
i cared enough to cry.
but then i set it down.
and went about my stuff. i turned to a different place
to find my happiness.

what if you get disappointed too much?
do you stop caring because it hurts too much and you don't want to
be hurt anymore? is it a protection? or do you stop caring cause you
really just don't care anymore?

and a streak of fear ran thru me.

to a person who lives with passion, not caring is one of the worst

but then the peace of my period rolled over me.

i have no idea.
i have no idea what it is.
time will tell, won't it?

for now, i've got places i find my happiness, i've got
places i get centered, and i've got places i feel fulfilled.
think i'll hang out in those places, and just wait for that
nasty ol' giant being to get bored and leave. to go somewhere
else and toy with someone else.

then, when he's gone, i'll see where i'm sitting,
what i care about, and if there's any passion left inside of me.

i'm thinking there will be.
there always has been.

just not sure if those places switch and move -
kinda like the plates of the earth.

but kinda like those plates of the earth - when they're moving
there's not much you can do about it, but hang on.

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