more slippin' and slidin'......

i'm thinking a whole lot of us would like to tweak our live's scripts.

i would.
there are things i just wouldn't have written in, or i would have written in differently.

but since i don't write the script  and there's not much i can do there - specially as

there's other people involved -
i guess where i gotta look is what i do with it.
that part i write.

that part i can tweak.

basic enough, right?

yeah, well.....i can be thick headed.

i'm just now arriving at this thought with my stuff lately.

i realized yesterday that once again i had fallen into one of my default modes.

one of those ways i fall into to 'handle' things. to make life easier.

and one that's not healthy. 

it's my own form of denial or something.
i don't know.
i just know it's not healthy.

i got sad.

sad that things weren't easier.

sad that once again i had fallen into the old patterns.

and these darn stinkin' old patterns scare me a lot.
they're from a way of life i left.
and i've seen what they've done to people.
and i don't want them.

yet, there i was. doin' it. immersed in them. and not even knowing it.

and the heaviness of realizing it hung all over me last nite.

so.

this morning i woke up figurin' i'd be pretty darn blue.
pretty darn wobbly. pretty darn lost.

again.

but nope.
i'm not.
i took a walk and thought about it all.
and while i'm sad that i slip back into it all so easily, i also understand that,
and am not kicking myself over it.
i'm relieved i caught it and decided to put that stuff down

and  live what it is i want.

and that is to see what's going on.
and to work with what's going on.

it's not to freak out cause i slip.

it's not to hide because it's hard.
and it's not to make something different than it really is in my mind.

it's to look, see, hold, and work with what's there.

and that's it.

so um....maybe i oughtta do that.

step up and do that.

ten years ago when i was in my women's group. the counselor, molly,
would lean over and touch my arm when i'd get really frustrated because i couldn't make
everything okay right that minute. she'd touch my arm and look at me and say

'terri, it took you 40 years to get here, you can't change it all in two weeks.'

ten years later, i can still hear her.
ten years later.

but i can see the progress. 

cause i tell ya, i woulda been under my bed hiding at this point just a bit ago.

nah, not hiding now, i'm just gonna step up and hold what's real and deal with it.

feels kinda good.
and if i slip again?

i'll start all over again.
cause it takes some time and some practice to get this life stuff down.