silly shows...

okay.
i don't even have a tv.
it's just not my thing.
i'd be fine with never owning one.

the guys, however, revolted at some point and bought themselves a flat screen.
and they stream some tv shows thru the computer. so they're my link to
hearing a name of a tv show. they mostly watch without me.

i DO see some stuff......altho i'm usually behind a few years. and it's not much.
zakk put his foot down and won't let me watch things from over 10-15 years ago
that i've missed. he tries hard to keep me current and he cringes over and over
at my complete illiteracy of actors and famous people.

i mostly watch things to spend time with them.
but i just can't deal with most of it
i am tryin' harder to remember a famous name or two so zakk doesn't
feel too ashamed.

they got involved in some science fiction show that i had never heard of and
were enjoying. so one nite, in the mood to hang with them, i watched one.

you can imagine....if tv's not my thing, science fiction more than likely wouldn't
be either. but hanging with my sons is, so i watched.

the name of the show is 'dr, who.' and i might be the only one on the planet who'd
never heard of it. i now see it referenced here and there.

the ones i watched with the guys are a few years back, i think. not the current ones.
and while science fiction really isn't my thing, the doctor caught my attention.

he liked to explore and have fun for the sake of exploring and having fun. he looked
at all creatures, no matter how ghastly with compassion and interest and caring. he
never wanted to hurt things, and he struggled deeply with watching the way the beings
in the universe treated each other. and in the face of really awful happenings, he made jokes.
all the while there was this inner turmoil inside of him.

so, okay, i liked this guy.
and these really dopey shows would speak to me about how i wanted to live.
yeah.
no kidding.
so i watched some with the guys.
they couldn't figure out how or why i liked them, but were pleased to share them with me.
and i would watch and think about my life and how i wanted to be more open, and i did self
therapy while i watched.

well, they changed doctors. i don't really get that part....but apparently they change the
main character every so often into a different guy. and when that happened, the whole
persona that had caught me changed and i didn't care about these goofy shows anymore.
and i had seen enough tv and had enough sharing. i haven't watched one with the guys
in a long time.

so last nite, after a day of pouring my heart out with bob and crying over some life stuff
i was struggling with, after he had gone home and the guys had returned home, and it was too
late for anything, and i was just exhausted, the guys asked me if i wanted to watch something.

'can we watch something light and funny?' i asked.

and we ended up watching some 'special' dr. who.
it had the doc i liked.

and it was anything but light and funny.
at some point while i cried thru it, the guys turned to me and asked if i wanted to watch
something else. 'light and funny' it was not, and they were worried about me with the crying.
they knew i had been strugglin' with some stuff.

i looked at them with a face full of tears 'this is perfect. exactly what i needed.'

with confusion, they started the show back up again.

the story was all about the doctor walkin' into a new adventure just wanting to have fun
and see new things.....and then realizing he walked into a day where everyone he was with
died and he couldn't change it. he couldn't change what was going on. and as he listened
and watched, he was tormented.

okay......this was hitting some stuff inside of me.

i thought about how i just had to let things be. and i watched how it tormented him and
i thought of my own torment. i thought about the strength it took to really hold life.

and then.....he did something totally out of character........he changed it all at the last minute
and saved the remaining people.

he buckled.
but of course, that buckling wasn't a good thing, and it woke up the darker parts of him.

so i sat there crying and thinking about life.
about how i'm so aware right now of 'standing what i see.'
i'm so aware that that's my job right now.
how i just need to be able to see.
how i can't change things.
and how i want to find the 'light' inside of me.
not wake up the dark parts.

when it ended i just sat on the couch with a soaking wet face from my tears.
the guys, of course, had no idea what to say.

i laughed and went to take a shower.
and to think about what that crazy show had just said to me.

if we had the power to change it, would we?
would it be that easy?

to stand what i see.......
that's what i'm working on right now.
and go figure, a crazy science fiction show spoke to me about it last nite.

life is just so weird.