Tuesday, September 6, 2011

walking into myself...

i swear it went just like this -

i don't even know exactly how i got up to my 'goodmorningworld' spot.

i don't go up there anymore, and i had told myself i'd go somewhere else
this morning...but there i was...coming out of the trees into the open at the
end of the road. right on the corner of the highway.

you come out of the trees and you get a big ol' blast of sky.

and bam! right there was this big ol' hunk of gray.
just gray. no clouds. or maybe a buncha clouds globbed into one big
ol' gray color.

'yeah, yeah, yeah. that feels about right.' i thought.
and i just stood there totally relating to the color and the feel.

and then i looked over at the little field on the corner.
these big ol' weeds were just leaned over from the rain and weather.
"ohmygosh, yes.' i thought.

they're just leaned over from all that's happened.

this corner is me today.

and i started looking around. there were things that really needed to get
trimmed, they'd gotten way outta hand. i grinned. yeah. yeah. okay.
i couldn't get over how everything seemed to relate to stuff i was feeling.

and as i started to connect to the little patch of field i looked up at the tree
that i'd picked years ago as 'me.' every time i look at it i think she's a symbol
of me. i always stop and see how she's doin.

i looked up at her and thought 'oh, she doesn't look okay.'

and without thinking what i was saying, just trying to figure out what was up
with her, and looking at the leaves that were just beginning to change color
but weren't looking good cause they were just just just barely starting to change,
i answered myself  'it's okay, she looks that way cause she's changing.'

and i swear, the second i said that to myself, my eyes got big.

it's okay, she looks that way cause she's changing.

it was just like i walked right into something i needed to hear.

bam. and i felt it the second i thought it.

she's me.

and i'm changing.

'wow. go figure. i just walked into myself,' i thought.

i turned to head home thinking about that.

'it's not me that's changing,' i thought. 'it's everything around me.'

when i heard me think that, i actually visualized myself reaching over
and wrapping my arms around me. so gently, so lovingly i assured myself
that yeah, i was changing too. and it was all okay.

and i thought of a couple things goin' on that i've handled completely
differently than i would have a bit ago. yeah, i am changing too. right along with
my life.

i'm changing.
it's not just everything around me. but i am too.
and that's a good thing.

but you know what, ter??? it's tiring, it's unsettling, it's scary at times, and you just
look a little purple here and there like that tree sometimes.

i think so.

i can deal with that.
and i can try to be a little gentle with myself thru that.
and i can watch and see the colors change and see the beauty of it all
as it happens.

don't know how i got up to that corner today, but sure am glad i did......

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