stumbling into...

there's this whole big thought i had, that i kinda put out here,
but kinda skimmed it, but kinda not.

but a couple things about it are pretty cool - and i wanted to note those today.

first of all - i realized something because of a series of conversations
with different people.

that's it.
that's the first cool part.

one thing led to another, and pop! there was this insight about something
i had done inside myself. about how i wasn't trusting myself.

i didn't know.
i hadn't seen it.
completely hidden behavior to me that was affecting my entire life.

bam!

altho, once i did see it, it was pretty obvious.

so the first cool part of that is the way i figured it out.
how i figure most things out - by tripping over it and falling on it.

oh, look at that!

stumbling on things.
seems like i keep doin' that.

the thought kept growing and deepening as i talked to different people
in my life. they added to it.
i love that. it's quite a network i've got surrounding me.

really appreciating that right now.

i didn't always have that.
it's one heck of a thing to grow.

another cool part is the whole trust thing -

i can get pretty darn tired of that word. that concept.
it's a forever thing.
and it can get old and exhausting.

but here i was not trusting myself and not even knowing it.

how deep does all that go?

when i had my meltdown on saturday, wow, a whole lotta
stuff i thought about myself came right on up to the surface.
what is up with that???
why is this stuff so deep and sneaky???
i have no idea....
but what a thrill to realize the lack of trust and say okay, that
doesn't work and i CAN trust myself.

a little timid at first, but gaining strength every day.

we really are the project that we need to work on, ya know?
not the other guy. not the partner, or the kids or the crazy guy at work.
but ourselves.
what are we really really doin'?
what's driving us?
are we trusting?
are we living?

i keep looking and watching myself now.
and opening to the trust over and over again.

>>>>>>>>>


trusting herself to go beyond seeing,
and to allown the dance,
she stepped back in
and joined the magic.

>>>>>>>>


dance with me,
grieve with me,
laugh with me,
sit quietly with me.
i am your life.
live me.