honoring her today

four years ago today she took her life.

she was only 18.

and i tell ya, i still think of her all the time.

she's inspired a few things i've created,
including the book 'honor yourself' -
which for me, is the most important thing i've
ever made.

she echoes in my head when i'm trying to
reach out to someone having a hard time.

and i think of her a lot when i look at my sons'
faces, all of them are now past 18. and with each
birthday they have, she floats in my mind, and i think
of how she won't ever feel their ages that they've
become.

and i have never once seen a violin since she's passed
without a certain feeling spreading all over me.

she's been on my mind a lot as i've been thinking about
trying to accept life and how it goes, and the idea of flowing with it.
i don't think i've ever 'accepted' much about her story,
and i know that. so when i want to see how i work and what
i feel, she's one of the places i go to.

it is now a tradition for me, i think this is my second year
of doing so, and i plan on doing it forever now...to hang
my outside holiday lights up on this day.

to add light to the darkness in her honor.
it's something i can do to remember.

so that's the plan today. and to think of her as i goof outside
with the guys. they know why i want to do this today, and all
of them are joining in. and that right there, is something
so incredible.

there will be love and light today in her honor.
and she will be so inside my heart today.