life after meltdowns....

yesterday afternoon i had a mini melt down.
life wasn't workin' with me quite like i wanted it to,
the feeling overwhelmed me and i let it.

no one was here, so i could kinda just collapse in it
and let it run thru.

then i got up, told myself life was what you made it,
and got myself up to continue on....only to completely
screw up my evening.

oh yeah.

having already had my mini meltdown earlier, this second
meltdown was calmer. not any better. but calmer.
i did what i had to do and you could barely tell my insides
were melting.

i'm getting better and better at that.
i wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing?

so i got up today kinda nervous for the day.
great.
i gotta face the same things.
and apparently, i'm not doin' so great with them.

but i think the whole meltdown idea has given me something to
work with.

i don't really want my insides to melt, ya know?

so maybe instead of just trying to get thru without a meltdown today,
i ought to do things i can to counter the melting.

well, that sounds good. but what counters a meltdown?
my first thought was 'ice'.......and i laughed.
no. don't think gettin' icy on the inside is a good thing.

hmmmmmm.......maybe just visualizing the strength inside of me.
i didn't used to know i was strong.
i just did what i had to do, you know?
but i am strong.
and maybe knowing that, knowing life goes its course and
fighting it doesn't build muscles, flowing with it does....
maybe that would help?

nah.
that's no help.

well, the knowing i'm strong is.
and knowing life goes its course is.
just telling myself not to fight it doesn't do much good.
altho, i'll try that a bit.

i think what would help today is a little mantra.
over and over.
i am strong.
i am strong.
i am strong.

and no more than that to start.
cause maybe that'll lead to something else.

and the truth is - i am strong.
and i will flow with what life hands me.

so go do it, ter.