Thursday, November 10, 2011

oh for pete's sakes........

what if all your life you're looking for something that you won't
ever be able to get?

what if you look, and you think and you try, and you change things a bit,
and you try again, and you look and you think and you keep tryin' so
hard...but you can't get what it is you want?

maybe it's because you keep looking outside yourself.
you know not to do that.
you know better.
and you try real hard to keep turning your eyes inward.
but you think what you want is from outside you.
it's ingrained in you that's where it is.
it's from way way down deep and being a kid...
it's from the time you were being molded into who you are...

i rode my bike fast and listened to lyrics that were speaking
to me.
and i think it was that darn song about looking for a hero
that's gotten me got me again.

and i remember thinking the hero is in me.
and once again i listened to these lyrics, knew it again.
the hero is in me. i listened about
them locking up the sun....and needing a hero....

and i thought of my heart.
and the incredible brightness it can have.
and how it gets locked up.

and how i really really need to be my own hero.
for me.
i need to do it for me.

i biked and i biked and i biked.

and then, i got off my bike, thinking i was okay,
and then i promptly burst into tears and lay on my bed a bit crying.
really crying.
crying harder than i've cried in a long time.


did i say i was gonna be strong today and not meltdown?

but it wasn't a melt down.
and i gotta say, there was strength in the sobbing.
i know there was.
cause i kinda knew what was happening and i let it.
i didn't stop it.

it was like something breaking open.

it was like this incredible crack inside of me.

and somehow i welcomed it and hated it and loved it,
and grieved it all at once.

and i knew, i just knew that i had to let go of what i've been
carrying my whole life.

that it was serving me no good.
and that it was only hurting me at this point.

and i knew that would take some grieving and some space and
some compassion.

and i knew that moment was important.

that i need to look. i need to really really look.
and i need to leave that wanting behind.

and i need to know that i am enough just as i am.
exactly where i am.
and that life is enough just as it is.
exactly where it is.

and i need to know what i'm looking for doesn't exist outside of myself.
and that that is okay.
and maybe......maybe......if i can really really wrap my head around this......
maybe i'll know it's more than okay.
it's perfect.

i'm so gonna try.
i lay there and a book popped in my mind to read.
it'll help, i thought.

and i got up and pulled it down off the shelf.
i'm not gonna wallow.
i'm gonna grow.

i thought of my adopted mom.
she's a big believer in reincarnation.
and when i struggle with something she tells me if i don't get it i'll
be back to try again. we always laugh and  it always jolts me into trying harder.
i thought of that and smiled.

i want to get it this time around.
whether it's the only time around or the millionth time around.
i want to get it.
i really do.

it really is all about me.
i really am my own hero.
and that really is perfect.

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