pushin' thru the crowd....

so yesterday i kicked myself around about as much as i could.

it surprised all of us.
and each guy around me at a different time asked me what brought
it all on.

i thought it was the obvious reasons - overwhelmed, not being able
to keep up, having to cancel multiple things with friends, not knowing
things i felt i should know...the list was long, and i thought quite obvious.

but each son and mister bob himself didn't seem to be buying it.

and i gotta say, when it comes down to knowing what's going on inside
of me, and i have to choose between who understands - them or me,
i pick me.

so i hate it when they ALL seem to catch stuff i miss.
and it makes me laugh.
these are my SONS and well, my neanderthal guy.
they can't get it if i miss it.

but as i did my thing on the treadmill this morning, it became quite
clear to me that there was a lot more going on with me than i understood
yesterday. and i laughed thinking about how i was going to have to admit
that to them today. they love it when they get it right and i get it wrong....

i was so incredibly down on myself.
really really hard on myself.
treated myself in a way i wouldn't ever treat anyone else.
then threw in a little drama and cried a bit here and there...

so why?

i had something happen last week that was really hard and felt really
lousy. i knew that. and i knew it caused some waves inside of me.
thing is, i didn't realize they were going to really hit me and drag me
down days later.

but they did.
only i didn't realize.
until after they dragged me all over the rocks.
and then left me layin' on the shore.
it's when i got up to walk away i figured it out.
oh yeah, it was those big waves.
looking back i could see them rolling back to sea.

so as i took my walk this morning, i thought about that.
and i had another kinda visual.
i had this picture of me being bumped around.
like in a crowd.
just not feelin' great and being bumped here and then bumped there.
and at some point you just get used to the bumps and you get in this kinda
mood. where it's not fun to be in the crowd anymore. where you don't
even remember where you were headin' in the first place. where you're
feelin' pretty bruised and just not in a good mood anymore. but not
angry enough to change it. just jostled, bruised and wrinkled. and in
the middle of something you've forgotten the point of. with no direction.
just letting the bumps lead you.

well, heck.
that's no good.
no good at all!

and i really think that in a certain area of my life, that's what's been
goin' on. and yesterday between that bumpin' thru and then bein'
hit by the big waves, i took it all out on myself.

i beat myself up.

like that's helpful.

this morning i figure i've already been hit by the waves. nothing
i can do about that. but i can do something about being jostled
in a faceless crowd.....

i love walkin' fast. i really do.
i like walkin' fast with a direction and a goal and my eyes on
where it is i'm headin'. i do that in a store and the guys can't keep
up with me. i weave between people and scoot along edges and
move as smoothly as i can, and i love that. i can do that in a store, and
i can do that in ways i live my life - if i think about it and intend to.

i haven't been doin' that in an area in my life that i need to.
i want to create what i'm living. i want to grab it and love it
and enjoy it and keep my eyes on the point of it all.

for pete's sakes. that's what i WANT.
and i can't let outside influences change that.
i just can't.
and that's what i've been doing.

so maybe i needed the waves.
maybe i needed to be knocked silly.
maybe i needed to almost have a fight with myself.
maybe kicking myself - while i don't think is a good thing -
woke me up a bit to harm i'm doing to myself.

i really feel like pushin' thru the crowd today.
i really do.
and i tell ya, it feels awfully good.....