Monday, November 28, 2011

the ever present roots.....

i was quiet here this weekend,
but much was going on inside.

in hearing myself tell bob about something that meant a lot to me,
i could feel how it related to some thoughts that have been gently
nudging me all week.

as we were just curled in quietly, i had a chance to let  my thoughts
gather and weave their threads together.

my eyes got wide at one point as i started to see some stuff take shape.
and i could see how the things all related.

i could see how stuff from so long ago still affects so many things i feel
and do today. and i gotta say, that always always always stuns me and
leaves me wondering if there's much of anything that i feel and do today
that isn't affected by my past.

and i'm not sure i like that much at all.
actually, i'm pretty sure i don't  like it.

i like to think of myself as growing and independent and healthy.

and i guess i feel like having the past drive a lot of your present
doesn't work with the growing, independent and healthy theme.

but maybe those things don't really contradict each other.

maybe those things are your roots. and you just gotta know you grow
from there. you can grow good and be strong, but your roots are your roots
and they are involved in your whole structure.

maybe i ought to get more comfortable with that whole concept
as it seems to be the case with me.  and maybe i need to get more than
comfortable, maybe i need to get pretty darn excited about it....
because truth is, if i really see that and know that, i can really really
understand myself. and i think in that understanding, i'd be able to
concentrate more on things that truly mattered instead of stuff that
makes me lose perspective.

maybe i need to respect that....instead of fear it.
and that's something i'm going to be mulling this week.......

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