thinking...

i was walking and thinking.
thinking that it's not about what others can give us.

i grinned.
it's been quite a journey to get to that thought.

those of us who were raised as 'good girls' who always
looked out for what other people needed were taught that right away.
it was our code of ethics -
it's not about what others give us, it's what we give others.

and so we live that life, until it explodes, because you know that's
not gonna work forever -  and then we try to find some kinda balance.
and in that search, it's very much about what others can give us.
cause we've never operated from that angle before,
and we need to now.

and in that search, if we're lucky, we're trying to make it all healthy.

and that's where i've been for awhile now.
but i think that's where i'm leaving.

cause i'm pretty sure i'm strong enough now, and independent enough now,
to be okay with that thought in a healthy way - it's not about what others give us.

thing is.....there's a second sentence that's equally important.

and it's not about what we give others. 

that part is a really big one for me.
well, actually both parts are pretty big for me.

but i've always thought it was about what i give others,
even when i was getting too.

but i don't think so this morning.

i think it's about who we are.

and that's it.

who we are and who we want to be in each moment of living.

and...well, that's prolly more than enough.
kinda wears me out just thinking about it.
there's a lotta responsibility in that thought.
and yet, it frees up a whole lot at the same time,
feels exciting.

and i'm wondering why this isn't some kinda mainstream concept.
maybe it is, and i've missed it all my life.

i  know it's dabbled in before, and lingered, and i've gotten
distracted with what i can get. and what i should give.
but it's back again.

and i happen to know i'm a whole lot stronger these days.
maybe it'll stay and let me watch for awhile.