traveling

i was thinking about all the different phases of life i'm seein' around me right now.

a friend falling in love, a friend battling to keep her marriage, a friend
moving on from his marriage, a friend becoming a gramma, a friend realizing
she's co-dependent and working on it...all kindsa things. as i was thinking of
this, i opened my inbox to find a note from a friend just diagnosed with cancer.

that sorta tipped everything into my lap and i sat there holding all the stuff
around me.

all of it is growing stuff. all of it.
as i watch and listen and witness parts of these journeys i can see it so clearly.

when i look at my own stuff, i know it's true, but really get kinda worn down
on some days. i hold my stuff, i try to look and see and work with it. but that
doesn't mean it gets easier does it?

i think maybe it helps build trust.
maybe.
i'm not even sure of that.
cause sometimes i've got the trust and sometimes it's like i never even heard
of the concept before.

but i think it does build something else.
not even sure what i'd call it.
maybe 'an understanding.'

i really really really used to think life was about getting to where you wanted
to be and being happy. the 'white picket fence' theory.
i really believed this.

and now, as i sit here, i'm reminded again that it's not about that at all.
there is no 'place' to be.

i'm not sure what it's all about, but i'm pretty sure how we travel is really
about all we can work on.

how we travel.

the other day i grabbed a post it note and wrote 'being love' and popped it
on my desk. i knew i wasn't traveling like i wanted to be traveling. and i wrote
that note and put it in front of my face to remind me. i knew i kept losing
that focus.

being love.

thru all of life's experiences.

i am so far from that....but i tell ya, i want to keep trying. i so so so want
to keep trying.