choosing festive!

so you know how when you're actually getting something right
you hate to talk about it cause you know then you'll blow it??

that's runnin' thru my head here as i sit to type out something
that's working for me...
but what the heck! i'm gonna go wild and talk about it!

holidays.
i used to love them.
i mean REALLY love them.

then when my marriage blew up, they were sooooo hard.
just getting thru them took all i had.
and then they settled down, but still weren't what they used
to be and there have been times i have even said thru
tears that i 'hate holidays.'

which was never true.
what i really meant was things still hurt a lot then and i just couldn't
get them to work the way i wanted to.

and people seem to die around the holidays.
there for a bit we had five years in a row where we lost someone.

so this year rolls around so much faster than i could comprehend.
and the holidays were looming in front of my face.
complete with a very sick family member.
the anniversary of several significant deaths.
schedules all over the place with no making it all like i want.
work stress, financial stress......and  there i was wondering what
to do about it.

and i got a note from a friend.
we've been friends for a thousand years. and we have always served
the purpose of egging each other on in life. and there he was.
he was grabbing the holiday season for the first time ever really.
getting himself a tree and decorating his place. he decided he was gonna
get into it.

i read that note and sure enough - i was egged on.
i sat and thought about it.
by golly, i'm doin' this too.
i'm gonna grab this season like i haven't grabbed the season
in over ten years!

i talked to each son and told them i had made a decision to really enjoy
the holidays this year. to make them festive and fun and not get down
about stuff. told them they didn't have to join me, i just didn't want anyone
to rain on my parade.

each one of them looked at me and said they wanted in.
they wanted some festive fun too and they wanted a great season too.

so i've consciously been thinking about it.
i mean, this has been a goal in my head every day.
i've turned on christmas music when i wouldn't normally.
i sang all day yesterday because it was december first and it was something
that would remind me to be festive.
i've had more than one talk with myself about what i want out of the season,
about dropping certain worries, and just concentrating on the good.
and the big thing - i have concentrated on MYSELF. not on other people.
on what i can do to improve myself to make this a better time for me.
on what i need and how i can give it to myself.

and you know what?
by golly!
IT'S WORKING!

and you know what? it seems to be rubbing off on those around me!
no kidding!

when i sing, i just feel good.
when i listen to the tunes....i LISTEN to the tunes.
i realized i hadn't decorated my office - i did the whole house and not
my office. i spend most of my life in here! so i got out the garland and
lights....and decorated my office! and it feels good!

i look down at my engagement ring thru out every day.
i don't see bob much, and it can be hard. but i'm not thinking about
that right now. i look at the ring, see the sparkle, smile, send him some
love and keep on going.

i've made a conscious decision to focus on the good, and to
participate with the festive part of life.

granted it's only december 2nd! but i've been doin' this since before
thanksgiving.....so there's still some validity to all this!

i wanna keep it up.
and i wanted to put it out there.......cause i know it's a bumpy time
for a lot of us......

and if i slip and focus on stuff that feels bad or makes me sad....
that's okay too! cause that's part of life! and that stuff is in there.......
and i can focus on it a bit. thing is.....my choice is not to keep
focusing on it right now. my choice is to focus on the good right now.

and i know that's easy to say as no one has died, and basically
things are pretty good....i know that.

i know that i can do that this year because i'm stronger and things are pretty much calm.

what if it gets bad?
then i'll have that much more of a foundation of focusing on the
good and i'll have that much more muscle in looking at myself
and doing the things i need to take care of me.

so i really can't lose. ya know?
i'm choosin' festive right now. this moment.
and i'm gonna keep goin' as long as i can.
and it feels good!