Thursday, December 29, 2011

everything's a process....

i have a little slip of paper right here on my desk.
my computer was acting up, not starting right and taking
a bit longer to get goin'.
so i sat here and read the note. it's a clip from a blog i posted recently.
something i didn't want to forget -

'don't focus on the negatives, focus where it will do you good,
relax in that, trust that, and watch the magic show up.'


i read it again.

and again.

and i watched my insides.

they weren't in with the whole idea this morning.

and i watched that.

i have been working with that kinda stuff all month.
intentions, focusing in positive places - all that.
and it's been doing marvelous things in my life.
really good stuff.....

and yet, this morning i want to just crumble the note, toss it in
someone's face and say 'oh yeah?' and make a raspberry noise.

and yes, i've had enough sleep, exercised this morning and i've been
eating fairly right. so what's the cranky stuff about?

three's this theory that everything is either love or fear.
so it's kinda obvious that's not a reaction of love.

so, okay. it's fear.

and i think of the whole 'turnin' my ship around' post from yesterday.
i can see the progress. i can see all the work and all it's led to.
i look up from the computer into my kitchen......
the room just oozes warmth and love.
i know what my life is filled with.

and yet i want to crinkle this note and toss it somewhere.
and i want to toss it with a good amount of ooomph.

i lean my head on my hand and think about it.

i close my eyes and admit it.
yeah. it's fear.

and i don't have the energy right this minute to not be afraid.
but something i learned this month - i don't need to focus on it.
i look at my desk and all the cool things i gotta do today.

i'm gonna go do those things. get lost in those things.
enjoy those things. feel the good in those things.
and let the fear be for now.
and then later, when i have the energy, i'm going to turn
towards it and have a conversation with it.
cause i'm gettin' a little tired of it.
it's time we talked.

only not just this moment.
this moment it's time i got a little strength up and got a
little more centered.

everything's a process.
even getting to the conversations with fear.
and i'm gonna trust the process.
including the cranky part of it that wants to toss inspirational
notes across the room.

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