loops

i think maybe i'm learning something....
well, i'd like to think i'm learning something that i can
really hang on to.
i don't quite trust myself enough yet.
but i'm definitely gonna be playin' with this one for a bit.
cause if i can keep this in the hard times, it would really
make a difference.

it's just this -
it's not a bad thing that i can't control everything.

that's it.

grinnin' over here.

doesn't seem like such a big concept, i know.
but for me, it is.

i noticed it for josh's birthday celebration. how if i had
designed life a bit, there would have been more money and time.
but there wasn't, and it turned out to be quite a gift the way it was.

and then on my walk this morning.....
my gosh, the sunrise made me gasp and stop and just look..

now my walk has turned into loops around the block.
and i gotta say, it's not the ideal walk i would pick.
i miss walking up by the trees.
if i was running life, i'd have it all a bit different.
but there's things i can't control.
so it's loops around the block.

thing is......
i figured out this morning that there's treasure in those loops.
treasure that just tickles and delights me.

i now have a chunk of sky that i interact with over and over.
because i'm doin' loops, i can see the same piece of sky.
and i watch it wake up and change and become the day.
and it's incredible.

this morning i realized what a complete gift that was.
and that if it was up to me, i'd never have chosen the loops
for the walk. i woulda made everything lay out different.

and i woulda missed getting to know one chunk of sky.
i wouldn't have ever even thought of it.

so i walked and thought about how there's so many things i
don't even know about. it's a good thing i can't control everything.
i would miss so much if i did.

and then i thought of a conversation i had with bob this weekend.
we were talking about something i wanted to figure out inside of me.
he commented on how tangled it was and it seemed like a pretty
difficult task to try to untangle it. i agreed...but still said....
'yeah, but i gotta try. and maybe i can do it.'

so i thought of that task this morning.
and i thought about how it can be a gift.
how i wouldn't have chosen to have this big clump of stuff inside of
me to untangle....but how maybe the whole untangling process is really
a gift.

it's like having a hunk of sky to get to know.

it's like goin' round the block in loops, i can loop around stuff inside
me. and get to know parts of me better...and just like the sky, i can
watch it wake up and change and become.

oh my gosh.

how cool is that?

i turned into my driveway wondering 'is it all really just a mindset
and really how you look at things just makes all the difference?'

i think for me it is.
and i really need to keep on workin' with that.