really wanting these.....

there's something really cool goin' on inside of me.

and i'm gonna enjoy it while i've got it.

it's an awareness of my goals.

thru the calm and the not so calm.

that doesn't sound like such a big deal....but i'm thinking it really is. 

most times i'll have a goal, and then totally forget it.

or if i don't totally forget it, when things are happening that seem

to go against that goal, i'll get upset, and then somewhere drop the goal. 

or something happens to those things and i lose sight of them.

i've got two main goals this holiday season.

one is to see the joy and focus on the festive.

the other is to actively work on getting okay with where i am with money.

get REALLY okay. which includes dealing with a whole lotta strings

inside of me about that. ego stuff. big stuff. stuff that i don't figure i'll get

in a week. but stuff i want to be aware of and actively working on.

this trip that got thrown at me, and THEN got moved up a day earlier yesterday,

was the classic thing to have me runnin' around crazed, and not festive.

but i remembered my goal!

ohmygosh.

and i just knew that i didn't want to throw festive out the window because

i was in 'let's get it done' mode......and i didn't. i didn't!!!

that's big news for me.

being aware and truly changing a behavior of mine to keep headin' towards

the goal. (and THEN the trip got postponed! it was so cool to not lose the

festive and then get my time back too!!)

and twice in the last few days, certain moments touched on money stuff in

a hard way for me and brought tears to my eyes. and both times i knew what

my goal was about that stuff and didn't let go of that goal.

i felt lousy both times. not 'okay' at all. BUT i knew i'd be okay and they were

chances for me to see some of the strings involved for me. i knew that,

was aware of it, and knew it was stuff to work with. the lousy feeling still

swept all over me. but it wasn't all consuming. it wasn't WHO i was. it

was just a feeling coming over me.

that too is unusual for me. i usually go into the lousy feeling and somehow

get consumed by it. this time i knew it was a reaction to something i haven't

figured out yet. and i was okay with allowing the lousy without becoming

the lousy.

not sure if that makes sense.

but it was way cool. 

i want both these goals a lot.

i don't feel like i've had a festive holiday season - for real - deep inside of

me for a long long time. i don't think it's REALLY about a festive season.

i think it's about touching my joy and my hope really deeply this season.

and i want them. i almost seem to need that.  even thru the sadness. ya know?

cause i'm finally understanding that there's always profound sadness. and

there's always profound joy. and i want to dance with both in a way that

touches something inside of me this season. 

and the money thing - i've made my choice in my life. and i love my choice.

time i got good with it no matter what. i really mean that. and i see how once

again, i'm learning so much about myself thru that choice. and i wouldn't

trade that for anything. 

i want these goals. 

i want these goals enough that i'm not forgetting them.

and it's way way cool.