and she listened....

something really cool has been happening to me this week.
certainly not as smooth and easy as i'm gonna type out,
but still, it's been pretty darn awesome.

i was trying to think of the word or phrase that might describe it.
and i came up with this - 'self awareness.'

and yeah, i think that's it.

it started out with me just noticing a slight feeling inside.
something i never woulda noticed enough to look at before.
but this time i stopped and looked.

okay, that right there is big progress.
usually i wait until things are kicking and screaming in me to look.
so stopping when it was a whisper was new.

and then i looked and listened and kept it to ME.
i didn't tie other people into it and how whatever they were doing
was affecting me.

or wait....let me clarify that.
i did see what was goin' on around me, how it was touching me.
how other's actions were feeling to me.
and then i concentrated on ME in that. not anyone else.

i just looked at my stuff.

and i saw a need.
i needed some time just to kinda feel what was going on inside of me.

that was the need.
to sit with it and listen.
that was it.

i didn't know any more than that.
and i trusted that was enough.
and so i did.

that was the start of a significant week here.
and that was a pretty big start....hearing and trusting and following,
without understanding.

it set the tone for the next few days.

when i felt funny about something goin' on, i gotta say, my first reactions
were about the 'other' people in the deal.  i did go to questioning their motives, their stuff....

BUT! i wouldn't do it for long. i'd see what i was doing, and go back
to me. and i'd ask myself what i was feeling.
and then i'd ask myself why i thought i was feeling that way.
and then when i'd figure that out - i didn't try to explain it away, or fix it,
all i did was nod, say 'of course you'd feel that way, that makes so much
sense.' and then i'd offer myself some compassion.

again....new stuff for me. it wasn't forced, it wasn't thought out, it wasn't
'okay, now it's time for compassion.' it was just a natural response to
really really listening. it was exactly what i would do for a friend without
thinking. and i did it for me without thinking.

last nite as i was goin' to bed, i felt a little bit down about something.
i thought about it and it was clearer than ever before to me that it
was about the emotions that get stirred up, not about what was actually
happening.

i could separate the two.
better than i ever had before.

and here's the thing.......when i snuggled in and lay there, the thing that
mattered to me more than anything else was the growth i saw happening in me.
i saw it.
and i thought 'wow, look at this, if you can learn to see like this, on a regular
basis, it would be amazing.'

i didn't think about anyone else in the deal.
i didn't think about what this meant for my offering to anyone else.
i didn't think about how this would help those around me (and it would!)
it was completely about how this was helping me.

and i don't know any other way to put this, but it was like i was finally learning
how to truly be there for myself.
for me. and no one else.

and it was incredible.
and all it started with was listening.