looking

got on the treadmill thinking about people runnin' from lookin'
at themselves and what's blocking them and stopping them from
living fully.

we do it all the time.
and having just had a conversation with someone who just stopped
short and said 'i'm not sure i really want to change.' it's been on my mind.

i thought of all the places i could see it, including my own self.
of people just dropping the ball. not wanting to look.
and i got to moving along there on that treadmill thinking 'i don't want
to do that.' i mean, seriously, WHAT are we so afraid of?
doin' the work gives us the gift of really living. it is SO worth the effort.
and having made a little progress, i can truly see that and trust that.

so okay, ter....where do you need to keep at it?

and right away, i knew a part of me that totally grabbed me this weekend
and pulled me under the murky waters. i believe clarissa pinkola estes
calls it our 'inner predator.'

and my gosh, have i got a doozy.
i totally laugh when i think back and think i didn't even realize i HAD one
when i first heard the concept.
oh my gosh.
have i got one.
it's so dark and cunning and LOGICAL.
you wanna trip me up, throw logic at me, and then i don't know which end is up.
i totally doubt myself. cause how can you argue with logic??
self doubt fills me and i figure it must be right.

it comes in and tries to destroy my spirit.
it seriously feels like a whole separate part of me just walks in and takes over.

so i thought about it as i did my thing on the treadmill.

it seems to show up when something i'm sensitive about gets hit.
i think maybe actually more than once.
like one hit on a sensitive spot isn't enough....but two hits will open the door.
this time the first hit came from me not feeling like i fit in,
second hit came about my finances.
double whammy.
door opens.
in walks this dark cunning inner predator.
and it goes for my light.

it truly does seem to just go for my light.

and i don't even feel like i hand it to him....yeah, it feels like a 'him' to me.
i feel like i just kinda dissolve.
and the worst thing ever happens - i get really angry at myself for being
the way i am.
i turn on myself.
i so completely turn on myself.

how hurtful is that??

wow.

i so want to look at that. and i so want to stop doing that.
i don't deserve that. at all. i just don't deserve that.
and to do it to myself......wow.

i know this happens, i know i hate it when it happens, and i know i make
it thru, it goes away and i continue on.

this morning is the first time i've tried to figure out when it shows up.
the first time i've looked at what exactly it is i do.
why is that?

i need to start looking at this stuff.
because it doesn't have to work this way.
i can change it.
i'm not sure how.
but i know i can.
but i gotta know what's goin' on before i can change it.
and yeah - something i've learned along the way -
i DO want to change.
i DO want to grow.
i DO want to live fully.
even if it takes some hard work.
cause what the heck is the point if we don't???