decisions

i have a hard decision to make.
actually, i've already made it.
i just have to catch up with it and be okay with it.
really okay.
deep down okay.
cause i'm gonna have to stick by it and believe in it.

i've got that 'good girl' stuff so deep inside.
throw in the catholic guilt/good girl stuff where you need
to sacrifice who you are for everyone around you...
ohmygosh......and boundaries can come hard.

i've gotten really good at a lot of boundary making.
really good.

but then....the ones that are complicated for me really snag me.
trip me up, and leave me sitting on the curb totally confused as
to what i should be doing.

i was on the bike thinking about it.

that sentence that's been floating around in my head for a few weeks
now came to mind - about how the really unhealthy will take everyone
down around them.

it occurs to me i should be clear here as to what i mean by 'really unhealthy'
as someone reading this might think i mean them!! and i don't.
cause if you're reading this, you're reading it cause you're trying to figure
your thoughts out or your journey out or something like that.
you're thinking and aware and trying. anyone searching is working on
their health.

it's the ones who will never stop here or any place that might help them
think about themselves. the ones who are sure they're just fine, and it's
everyone around them that's the problem, as they continue on with their
self destructive behaviors. THAT'S who i mean.

and those people WILL take everyone down around them.
if everyone around them lets them.

and so the boundaries need to happen.
thing is, those seem to be the really complicated situations.
but as i rode, i kept thinking about goals.

what're my life goals? what is it i want? and are these sacrifices
getting me those?

if they were.....and they could be if certain things were a little different...
then okay, i could make some sacrifices.

but maybe that's where we have to really look.
are the sacrifices doin' any good? are they worth what's being given up?
are we just thinking they could be when in fact they're not and aren't
gonna be?

and that's a hard hard thing to really really look at.
i'm sittin' with this for another week. already gave myself that time.
but i'm pretty sure that the sacrifice is too great...
and i'm thinking it may actually be doin' harm on both sides.

that's something to look at too.
when i got divorced, i read books on being co-dependent. which
i totally lean into. i'm the enabler. the glorious enabler.
at least, i used to be.
i was a good one too.

once you see that, and you see the harm it caused/causes,
you draw back in repulsion. it's a scary thing to look at. to really look at.

and this morning i'm looking at that concept again.
am i part of a grand enabling?

am i part of something that's healing?
if not, then isn't it time i stopped sacrificing to it?

yeah, prolly so.

but you know what i think the hardest thing about that is tho?
then i'm finally saying it to myself  -
'i give up.'

i've been saying that little bits at a time over and over.
you'd think i'd be ready for the last little bit.

it's hard to give up when you care.

and yet, therein lies the stuff of life, i think........

it's not mine to control.