Monday, February 13, 2012

decisions

i have a hard decision to make.
actually, i've already made it.
i just have to catch up with it and be okay with it.
really okay.
deep down okay.
cause i'm gonna have to stick by it and believe in it.

i've got that 'good girl' stuff so deep inside.
throw in the catholic guilt/good girl stuff where you need
to sacrifice who you are for everyone around you...
ohmygosh......and boundaries can come hard.

i've gotten really good at a lot of boundary making.
really good.

but then....the ones that are complicated for me really snag me.
trip me up, and leave me sitting on the curb totally confused as
to what i should be doing.

i was on the bike thinking about it.

that sentence that's been floating around in my head for a few weeks
now came to mind - about how the really unhealthy will take everyone
down around them.

it occurs to me i should be clear here as to what i mean by 'really unhealthy'
as someone reading this might think i mean them!! and i don't.
cause if you're reading this, you're reading it cause you're trying to figure
your thoughts out or your journey out or something like that.
you're thinking and aware and trying. anyone searching is working on
their health.

it's the ones who will never stop here or any place that might help them
think about themselves. the ones who are sure they're just fine, and it's
everyone around them that's the problem, as they continue on with their
self destructive behaviors. THAT'S who i mean.

and those people WILL take everyone down around them.
if everyone around them lets them.

and so the boundaries need to happen.
thing is, those seem to be the really complicated situations.
but as i rode, i kept thinking about goals.

what're my life goals? what is it i want? and are these sacrifices
getting me those?

if they were.....and they could be if certain things were a little different...
then okay, i could make some sacrifices.

but maybe that's where we have to really look.
are the sacrifices doin' any good? are they worth what's being given up?
are we just thinking they could be when in fact they're not and aren't
gonna be?

and that's a hard hard thing to really really look at.
i'm sittin' with this for another week. already gave myself that time.
but i'm pretty sure that the sacrifice is too great...
and i'm thinking it may actually be doin' harm on both sides.

that's something to look at too.
when i got divorced, i read books on being co-dependent. which
i totally lean into. i'm the enabler. the glorious enabler.
at least, i used to be.
i was a good one too.

once you see that, and you see the harm it caused/causes,
you draw back in repulsion. it's a scary thing to look at. to really look at.

and this morning i'm looking at that concept again.
am i part of a grand enabling?

am i part of something that's healing?
if not, then isn't it time i stopped sacrificing to it?

yeah, prolly so.

but you know what i think the hardest thing about that is tho?
then i'm finally saying it to myself  -
'i give up.'

i've been saying that little bits at a time over and over.
you'd think i'd be ready for the last little bit.

it's hard to give up when you care.

and yet, therein lies the stuff of life, i think........

it's not mine to control.

5 comments:

Susie Keeth said...

Oh man....those darn co-dependent tendencies.... they pop up with me sometimes too and totally catch me off guard. Sometimes it takes a bit to recognize that's what I'm looking at i myself; until I realize the familiarities of those old feelings of being a door mat. When it feels like I might be getting sucked in to something..... when it starts feeling like I'm working harder for something for somebody else than I do for my self or that somebody does for themself....when that feels like the rule rather than the exception.... when my gut says its time to slow down and step back; its probably more likely time to stop completely, excuse and remove myself. And think about whether or not I'm really doing that person any favor or if I'm impeding their learning and growing by doing for them instead of being for them.

terri said...

well, that was perfect, susie. and the very last line.....ohhhh! beautiful!! thank you, woman, that helped! :)

Sherry said...

So I have a question about what exactly co-dependency is and how to identify it, cuz a friend of mine (okay more than friend) seems to think that if you let your happiness depend on anyone else than yourself then that's co-dependent. And therefore no one can make you happy, you can only make yourself happy. And while I recognize a sorta truth in that last line...I think it's mostly b.s. Been wondering about this a lot lately....

terri said...

hey, sherry, i have NEVER been able to put the concepts into words. i just know it when it's going on. but there's books out there and stuff on the net.....when you hit the 'enabler' stuff - that was me. check it out, it'll make more sense than i can!!! :)

Zenchick said...

what if it's not giving up?
what if it's simply letting go?
and with my therapist hat on, I can tell you-sometimes "giving up" (really, letting go, I never give up hope, even if I give up effort) is the best thing you can do not only for yourself, but for the other.
Regardless, kudos for your thoughtfulness and courage to share. thank you.