Thursday, February 2, 2012

not gonna spit on it...

i read another woman's story this morning.
another one that you read and wonder how that person is still going.

and then as i made my bed and did my morning stuff, i thought about it.
and i wondered how you heal from stuff that was so cruel.
how do you heal?

i thought of the stuff i've been playing with here in my life.
the idea that there's these other worlds to explore.
and i realize how deeply i believe that and how much i want it.
and i thought about how they're open to us all. no matter what
we've been thru.

and yet....i truly think 'trust' is the starting point.
i'm not sure.
i mean, what do i know?
i'm just dabblin' and muddlin' along.

as far as i can tell at this point, my best guess is that you need trust to grow.
that it's the starting point.

so how the heck do you get trust when you've been creamed over and
over by people....some of them family.
and even if family didn't cream you, they let it happen.
which in my head is just as much a wound as the other.

how do you find trust after living thru that stuff?

i don't know.
i'm gonna ask her about it.
how much she's found. if she's been actively looking or not.
maybe she's found lots.
maybe she's found none.
but i know one way or another, there's some sense of it in her as
she gave me her story.

and i think of all the stories i've read. and of all the pain and scars and wounds...
thru all of them, there was trust in reaching out and telling their stories.

maybe that's where it has to start.

i have no idea.

but i got to thinking of my own life.
and i got to thinking of the trust offered to me around me.

and i thought of all the times i didn't take it. i didn't believe it.
and in my head this morning i told myself i had 'spit on it.'

but that wasn't fair.
cause i didn't spit on it.
i wasn't ready for it. i couldn't believe it.
i didn't know what to do with it.

and that's okay.
that's not being an ingrate or being anything except someone who's
on a journey and learning. i need to understand that and offer myself
compassion for that.

the thing now is tho...NOW......with someone like my partner, who has
been nothing but a place of have to be careful not to spit
on that trust.

now when i turn it down, turn away from it, grab fear instead of trust....
i'm spitting on it. cause i know i can believe in that trust. turning to the
fear is unfair to both of us.

and i believe that.
and i don't want to do that.

easily said and moments of vulnerability and fear, not so
easily carried out. i know this as i just experienced it. and i knew i had
a choice. i was whirling in the fear pretty big time. i asked him for help,
held on and stayed with the trust.

and we both gained thru that one.

this morning as i look at it all, think of the story i just read, and wonder about
healing and traveling to these deeper worlds, i can't help but feel like trust
is the starting place. and the stronger and stronger we get in that, the further
and further we can travel.

i have no idea how we heal from some of these wounds. i have no idea
how to make peace inside after experiencing some of this stuff...
but maybe there doesn't have to be a plan or an understanding.

maybe there needs to be a seed of trust that we keep watering over and over again.
and finding those who will help us water that seed.....
oh man. how do we do that?
with caution, with care, and with hope, i guess.
we just keep trying.

1 comment:

Dan McGaffin said...

I totally agree on the whole trust thing. A few years ago when things just seemed to be going in the wrong direction, I trusted in my marriage/wife to get through it. We're still climbing out of the hole we dug/fell into, but we've still got each other and we're getting there. It would have been so much easier to just give up or feel sorry for myself.