what i paid for...

i think the whole 'journey' thing has caught my attention.
it's the journey of my life - but i guess it's with a new angle
of the different journeys inside the main one that i'm loving.

who knows. something like that.

but i think it's taken over more than i know as i seem to be
noticing other people's journeys. i seem to be really sensitive
in noticing those who have stopped and are sitting in the
middle of the road with their demons and not moving.

i've always noticed them. but it's a bit different this time.
they're like reminders for me.
and they keep reminding me of the gift of this life. and how
i want to live it. how i truly don't want to sit in the middle of
the road with my demons.

if i have to for a bit, yes.
and i have, yes.
and if i have to again, yes.
but always always with the intention of moving forward.
i so hope so anyway.

i'm hooked on 'the poets of the fall' these days and every time
i listen to them, certain lines of their songs just snag me. little
tidbits of lines. it's odd how the smallest little tidbit will get me.

this morning as i biked, the line that 'i want more, i want what
i paid for' grabbed my attention.

i want what i paid for.

i got to thinking about that.

i've paid a pretty high price for this living who i want to be deal.
and i don't want to forget that.
because i want what i paid for.

and getting what i paid for is totally up to me.
i want the 'real' the honest, the seeing, the journey of becoming all i can.
that's what i paid for.

i think of all the people i know, all the women fighting to get their lives
back. fighting their demons and many times those around them -
they're paying for what they want right now. or those who will find
themselves doing just that if they're not doing it already.

will we always keep in mind the price we paid, how much we value it,
and keep on going for it over and over again?

i don't think we need to hang on to the past.
i'm all for letting go.
just don't let go of what you did to get your present. and your future.
don't let go of what you paid for.