aiming for the zest

well, if nothing else, it's certainly interesting to watch all the
different emotions that can run thru myself in short spans of time.

in just moments i can feel love, gratitude, exhaustion, fear, anger,
resentment, awe, sadness, grief, happiness, joy....

and all intense. every single one comes in just as intense as the one
before it.

no wonder i'm a little bit tired.

so in watching the progression of life stuff that has brought me to
these swiftly changing emotions (which i believe some people would
call 'unstable') i understand why i'm in this spot.

thing is, i was thinking about it and with the passing of my friend
i decided i wanted to kinda concentrate on a 'zest' for living.
i want to appreciate being here. i really do.

thing is, i don't think you can just magically make zest appear.
specially when you're a wee bit unstable.

and so i got on the treadmill and thought of that this morning.
nah, maybe i can't.
but i can focus on the gratitude.
that i know i can do.

cause all you gotta do is really see all that you have.
and keep bringing your eyes back to that and allow yourself room
to really feel that.

so i did.
i brought myself back to the fact that i'm on the treadmill and moving
my body with ease (mostly)....

and i just kept goin'.......to my sons, to my guy, to my business......
all the good stuff about all of them.

now.......i don't think i'm capable of hanging on to the gratitude for
long stretches right now. i think what happens is i get it and then lose
it cause my brain switches over to fear or anger or meaningless distractions....
over and over again....it's the unstable wobbling all over the place stuff right now.

thing is.....i'm not gonna be this flip floppy with my emotions too much longer.
i know a lotta it is from stuff that will settle down. i know that.

and i will settle down.
so i  kinda wanna pave the way for settling down into a place of gratitude.
and zest...

yeah. i do want zest.
cause here we are.

it's short.
in a blink it's gone.
and we don't know when that's gonna happen.

that's the stuff i hate. and yet....it's the stuff that keeps ya on your toes.

it has me on my toes this morning.
tilting and wobbling all over the place.....but at the same time, very glad i'm here to wobble.

i'm headin' out for a walk......with one goal in mind....
to soak in everything i can with my eyes and my heart and
to know it's a gift i'm here to see it.