holding

there's a whole lot i'm trying to really hold right now, and i'm pretty beat.

cause to get to the place where i HAD something to hold.....
well, i had to go thru the walk to get there.
and that walk was really hard.

i'd been on it for days. and yesterday, before i got to the stuff to hold,
i finally understood that's where i was heading.
the first couple days i just felt hurt and miserable.
but by the fourth day, i realized you don't just walk this kinda walk without
it taking you somewhere. i knew that.

and it may have been a first for me. to really know that and feel that in the
middle of the ick. it wasn't just a hope or a trying to remind myself that
that is indeed how it works. i knew it. and so i started to wonder what it could be.
i knew this was a big one.
and just that part helped me a ton.
just the knowing. and the fact that i could see that.

i had a guess as to what i was going to get out of it all.
i figured i was going to grow in learning how to really love and for lack of
a less stupid word - i would 'mature' in my feelings about love.

it just so happened that i was editing my book (the fabric of her dancing shoes)
and i only got about half an hour to work on it. and in that half an hour i read my
thoughts on mid-life being a time where you had to see things as they really were.
and even the stuff that makes you tremble, you have to look at. and getting to
the point of looking without trembling and just knowing that's how it is -
well, that might be what you get out of mid-life.

i couldn't believe that was the part i read yesterday.

cause that is exactly what i was doing.

i was looking at stuff i didn't want to see. and i was trembling.

i was looking at my past, my present, my beliefs, my heart, life, all of it -
and i was trembling.

one of the things i got to hold is in the blog post below.
maybe that's the only thing i got.
because the other stuff i come up with is all different angles of that post.

maybe what i got is a deeper lesson in loving.
and what love is.

i know that love can be pure and good and pieces of god.
i know that. no doubt in my head.
and i know that it can get so messed up with everyone's issues
and dysfunctions and protections.....and it's not love then.

and in the separating and sorting thru all that, i've gotten very confused,
hurt, lost, and sad.

maybe what i got is a little bit of a clearer view on things that get in the way.

and a little bit more of an understanding that those things will always exist.

and that maybe truly loving is loving thru all that anyway......

i don't know.
i'm still holding and looking.
and feeling like someone who's finally seeing what's really there.