Wednesday, March 14, 2012

fresh in my head.......

i'm not sure i can do this, but i'm gonna try while it's way fresh in my head....

i hate to get too personal, but it's never stopped me much before and this
seems like it may matter to someone besides i'm gonna give it a whirl.

for lack of a better way to describe this, there's a part of me that truly is childlike.
it's pure and good and innocent and loving. and that part of me fuels my love
for people. and when i love people so much of it comes from that spot.

i figure it's got to be seen and understood that i'm harmless, and good and
worth loving back. i mean.....who wouldn't want love like that? who wouldn't
respond to love like that?

all my life when i've gotten really deeply hurt, i have thought 'why couldn't
they love me?' and i have always thought there was something wrong with me
cause they couldn't love me back.

and i could never understand why 'they' couldn't except i always felt like i did
something wrong.

and i didn't really understand that part either because i knew where my love was
rooted in and it was that childlike part that really was a good place.

i didn't understand. if they knew that, why couldn't they love me back?

so recently as i was asking myself why someone couldn't love me,
an answer came thru my head.

now.......this is gonna sound like a standard answer, and may not make
you blink at all. but i'm hoping someone else needs to read this and will
hold it too....

the answer immediately came 'it's not you, terri. it's their own stuff that's
getting in the way.'

and because of the place i was in and the conversation i had just had,
i was actually wide open to hear that answer, understand it and believe it.

i knew it was true.

and then the tears just hit my eyes.

it's not you, terri.
it's not your fault.

and all these hurts from the past that i have carried around as somehow
my fault cause i wasn't good enough or i wasn't whatever enough....
they all just slid off my shoulders.

and my eyes got big and i kept thinking 'it's not my fault.'

it was such a huge huge huge feeling of relief.

but i was with someone, so it wasn't time to digest it all.
and i haven't had time yet to really do more than hold it a little bit.

i wanted to put it here while it was fresh. i didn't want to lose the feeling.
i wanted to share it.

cause i'm thinking i'm not the only one who thinks it's their fault other
people left them. or did whatever to them......

and you know what???


how completely and utterly awesomely freeing is that?!


Anonymous said...

Lady you are magic..

I tried to leave a comment, but Google is a PAIN!!!!!!!!!

AkasaWolfSong said...

It is hugely freeing...from someone who learned the painful way, like you.

Sherry said...

Thank you for posting this....

Dan McGaffin said...

Yup. Been thinking on this for a while Terri. Thought of this today at work in fact. It's not me, it's them. Unfortunately, my darn heart just won't listen sometimes. But I KNOW it's not me, so it is slowly getting easier.